Buckingham Palace guards can't believe how inhuman and emotionless Bill Belichick is
LONDON--Following a New England Patriots team visit to Buckingham Palace, sources confirmed that members of the Queen's Guard were overheard discussing the lifeless and hollow visage of Bill Belichick, who reportedly did not blink, smile, or make...
Read full story"I serve no spine before its time," declares presidential hopeful Mitt Romney in run-up to 2012 election night
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney held a rare news conference this morning to answer questions about the conduct and statements of his surrogates regarding President Obama and the issue of rape. He took the podium and smiled his trademark smile, the...
Read full storyRepublicans Find God, Win Epic Game of Hide and Seek
Senator Chris Coons' office has sent out a short brief detailing how the Congressman has finally found God, and put an end to a millennia-long game of hide and seek. Asked to comment about his Earth-shaking discovery, Senator Coons had this to say...
Read full storyRomney-Ryan Promise Mich-Ohio Voters Action if Giants Win World Series
Maripiosa, CA, Dougie's Gazette - I'm finally a decided voter: Giants in 4 (or if necessary five at home, but if Sandy heads for "and reaches the West Coast,"six at the most). In a related story, Governor Romney just told Michigan and swing s...
Read full storyHellfire Club warns Cameron over Halloween PMQs
London - Dozens of former and current Cabinet Ministers could be outed as Jimmy Savile's brats as pervy Hellfire Sperm Bank deposit secrets are released under the 60 Year Rule. Wednesday's televised debate sees Tory Fright Wingers on the party's T...
Read full storyIf Hurricane Sandy Kills, The Blood Will Be On TV Weather Reporters' Hands
If Hurricane Sandy causes death in the next two days, God forbid, TV meteorologists will have blood on their hands. "Catastrophic damage," "historic," "worst-case scenario": Death and destruction all but guaranteed to all within broadcast range. For a week in 2011, you told us how Hurricane Irene was to deliver us the End of Days, and she turned out to be nothing special. And now people a...
Read full storyMany Fail To Turn Back Clocks At 2AM - Thousands Arrested!
Police have made thousands of arrests after people illegally turned their clocks back by one hour last night instead of waiting to do so at the now legally required time of 2am. Police were out in force across the UK last night making spot checks...
Read full storyLuis Suarez Not To Blame For Syrian Uprising - Liverpool Boss
Liverpool boss Brendan Rodgers was quick to jump to the defence of the Uruguayan striker at a press conference this lunchtime, ahead of the Merseyside derby, as a reporter accused Suarez of initiating the bloody Syrian uprising. "That's a prepost...
Read full storyBobby V Drives a Tank Over David Ortiz's Achilles' Heel
Bobby Valentine likes to give two interviews for every question. As a result, he gave Bob Costas one set of insights about his season in hell with the Red Sox. Then, a few days later he spoke to Boston Globe never dead-beat reporter Nick Cafardo, pro...
Read full storyBad news for sons-in-law: women who quit smoking by age 50 can live up to a decade longer
HARFOLD, Vt. - Harfold State College released this week a study which son-in-laws everywhere will have a hard time swallowing. Women who quit smoking by the age of 50 dramatically cut risk of an early death, enjoying up to ten to fifteen more year...
Read full storyTotally Naked Girls
Uncertainties gave man a clay god modeled after warriors of his time: bearded, fearsome, repeatedly banging a whip against the shaft of his heavy riding boots. Next to his man-made terrifying deity stood an indifferent insensitive well-organized giant called Nature which is 'the aggregate of the powers and properties of all things, the sum of all phenomena, together with the causes which produc...
Read full storyNanny McPhee is loose in New York City
A woman, who recently escaped from the Central New York Psychiatric Center while being detained, is roaming the rich neighborhoods in the Upper West Side looking for a job as a nanny. A New York City police officer reports that she is using the na...
Read full storyKaty Perry and John Mayer Told To Lower The Mattress Merriment Decibels
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Well it sure does look like Katy Perry has finally and completely gotten over her divorce from Russell "Sniffles" Brand. The I Kissed A Girl and I Liked It singer has been going at it hot and heavy with none other than the walking...
Read full storyMeat Loaf Endorses Romney - T-Bone Endorses Obama
GREEN BAY, Wisconsin - Singer Meat Loaf was sitting in his backstage dressing room after having just finished performing in The Box of Snowballs Auditorium before a crowd estimated to be around 219 people. The rotund singer had just taken his thir...
Read full storySecretary-General of the United Nations Ban Ki-moon States The UN is Leaving The US
New York-- Today in New York, Secretary-General of the United Nations Ban Ki-moon held a press conference to discuss the status of the United Nations and how it is handling the crisis' plaguing the world. UNSYG Ki-Moon took to the podium and expr...
Read full storyPaul Ryan Does Full Spread Centerfold Photo Shoot for Playchick Magazine
The Romney presidential campaign has released a statement affirming that Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan has just finished shooting a full spread with Playchick Magazine. Robert Benson, an official Romney spokesman, had this to say at a press conference called to explain the campaign's latest move: "Congressman Ryan has posed for Playchick to prove, in plain sight, how dedicated he and...
Read full storyPlayboy Playmate of the Year 1960 Endorsing Bernie Sanders
Ellen Stratton, age 73, was Playboy magazine's Playmate of the Month for its December 1959 issue. She was also the first Playmate of the Year for 1960 and she fully endorses Bernie Sanders for 2016. Ms. Stratton stated the reason for supporting Be...
Read full storyPeople Respond to Obama First Time Ad
Jennifer BakerI supported Obama, but now my eyes are open to how vile he and his party really are. I've disagreed with him on most things (e.g. free contraceptives for sluts like Sandra Fluke). This ad is a very pathetic attempt to boost an already sagging reelection bid. This actress is obviously a lesbian who has never been with a man, and the notion of enticing people to vote by making them...
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