December Arrives for Patriot Fans on the Mayan Calendar
Will New England Patriots forget their sun block as they spend Sunday afternoon sunbathing in Miami? Will they stay hydrated in the humid stadium atmosphere? Miami Dolphins are ready to wilt their nemesis, the so-called Belichick juggernaut. Presu...
Read full storyJustin Bieber song brings woman back from dead
Apparently cats aren't the only ones with nine lives. A woman in Kansas is lucky to be alive after dying eight times, and credits Justin Bieber for bringing her back. Marlene Wilson, 44, of Great Bend, Kansas, had been cleaning a hunting rifle...
Read full storyManhattan Gives Their Neighbors The Finger
Manhattan, NY - Manhattan has been lighting up the Empire State Building for decades as a symbol of power and wealth but now some New Yorkers are getting mad. This week, Mayor Bloomberg unveiled a new and improved Empire State Building which has b...
Read full storyMassive sinkhole proves Ohio sucks!
DOVER, Ohio (ABSNN) - Fox's Karl Rove was absolutely right: "Ohio sucks!" Today Ohio proved it sucks when a four-football-field-wide sinkhole swallowed up a large section of Ohio State Road 513 just west of Dover. "Holy crap! I was just watch...
Read full storyVice-President Joe Biden's Christmas Gift
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Jill Biden has said that she always likes to do her Christmas shopping three weeks before Christmas. She added that she learned her lesson back in 1993, when she got got caught in a shoppers stampede at a mall in Dover, Delaware...
Read full storyChristmas Falls Foul of PC Brigade As Santa Closed Down
A North Pole man has been told he can no longer operate his seasonal business venture, delivering toys to children, after he violated several laws and incurred the wrath of politically correct organizations from across the globe. Santa Claus, who...
Read full storyMy life as a man #35
Why what matters no longer matters! I don't know about you readers, but for me at least, there is far too much written in the print media, and way the hell too much on TV, about "celebrity news." Celebrity News is an oxymoronic concept in every way! There is nothing at all new about the shit celebrities get their wonky asses involved in--not a goddamned thing. Sure we all like a good, bloo...
Read full storyMt. Rushmore Mistaken for the Fiscal Cliff; Lincoln Loses Face
Keystone, South Dakota - The Mount Rushmore National Memorial was severely damaged last night by a missile fired by a US military drone. The attack apparently was commissioned by Congress in what is now being called "a clerical error." "Our bad,"...
Read full storyDemocrats Propose New Beauty Tax
In a move that represents a surprising although logical extension of the current demand by the 99% for a more progressive tax system, the Obama administration has proposed a beauty tax that will be built into the new health care system. In the searc...
Read full storySenators McCain & Graham caught in a Ménage à Trois with Daffy Duck!
In a report that is being vehemently denied by the offices of Senator John McCain and Senator Lindsey Graham, Politico is reporting that the two senators were seen by a maid in a local DC hotel room engaged in a Ménage à Trois with Daffy Duck of cart...
Read full storyBears WR tells Scottish reporter about Viagra use in the NFL
CHICAGO, Illinois (ABSNN) - "They test NFL players for performance enhancement drugs (PED's), but what they're looking for is steroids, not male enhancement drugs such as Viagra. They can stop us from bulking up, but not from getting laid," said Chi...
Read full storySunny Times win 2-1 but Ref in Trouble
Premier League leaders Sunny Times won a crucial match against non-leaguers the Dowler Mcanns in a controversial FA Cup 3rd round tie yesterday. Referee, Jude Leverson, was criticised by many in the crowd for turning a blind eye at both the Sunny...
Read full story18-Month Inquiry and 2000-page Report into Poor Press standards calls for Better Press standards
Lord Justice Leveson has concluded his inquiry and subsequent report into questionable Press standards, commemorated by the customary photograph of him standing statesman-like with the report under his arm. The Judge's report on the industry was c...
Read full storyA lust for revenge that never ends
The first time gangsters hired a cat burglar to find Maria Santos Gorrostieta's cat, but the cat escaped untouched. That was in 2009, when she was mayor of Tiquicheo, a small town in the Mexican state of Michoacan, which has seen some of the most...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Arrested (Again!)
NEW YORK CITY - The human time bomb known as Lindsay Lohan keeps on furiously tick tocking and there appears to be nothing anyone can do about it. Lohan, who is considered one of the luckiest females in the history of the world, continues to push...
Read full storyX-Factor Eliminates Two More Singers
HOLLYWOOD - Paige Thomas, who received the lowest amount of viewer votes, was eliminated right off the bat on the results show of X-Factor. Co-host Mario Lopez said that he really hated to see Paige go because he felt that she was not really the w...
Read full story