Florida Man Still In Line To Vote
KISSIMMEE, Florida - 78-year old Kissimmee resident Dick Lawton continues to patiently wait his turn to vote outside the Buenaventura Lakes Branch Library. Even though a week has now passed since election day, Lawton remains vigilant that he has...
Read full storyNew Zealander will not throw horseshit at Prince Charles: will throw sheepshit instead
WELLINGTON, New Zealand (ABSNN) - A court in this New Zealand city ruled today that "this country is a Horseshit Free Zone." The ruling came on the heels of the arrest of an anti-monarchist, Sam Bracanov, a seventy-six year old man who made it c...
Read full story'Petraeus And Allen Should Have Seen It Coming' says former Pentagon remote viewing commander General Albert Stubblebine III
New York - "They were among my very best psychic warriors," ex-First Earth Battalion commander General Stubblebine said today amid mounting furor in the Broadwell-gate case, "taught 'em everything I know and NOW look what's happened!!" Speaking to...
Read full storyMy life as a man #29
Castor oil, Fox News, MSNBC, and nekkid chicks on air! When I was a young kid, I knew better than to tell my Dad that I had a belly-ache. I knew better because I knew what my Dad would do if I told him my gut hurt. He was an old school mountain farmer: he used plant extracts he called "Lightning Hot drops," or, if he was a bit hung over, he used the all-time, get-even-with-your-children, gut-...
Read full storySpending cats force sale of Lord Mayor's mansion
The Lord Mayor of Mansfield has had to put his mansion on the market, after running out of money. He initially blamed his wife for running up massive debts. But she blamed their 25 cats. "We've got one Persian and a few Moggies, but most of them a...
Read full storyMilky Way's Leftward Rotation Accelerating the Angle of the Dangle
In a discovery that has alarmed many, the New York Times reports that astrophysicists at UC Santa Barbara have calculated a significant acceleration in the leftward rotation of the Milky Way. The serendipitous discovery came about when the lab's you...
Read full storyPaxman announces radical University Challenge changes
Jeremy Paxman today announced that there will be some major changes to the format of his long-running quiz show University Challenge. In a press release he said that the programme was to be re-structured to give it a more topical and less academic f...
Read full storyTrump plans to rescue World Economy by creating World's Largest Golf Course
Never one to rest on his preposterous hairstyle, Donald Trump has announced his strategy to end the Global Economic slowdown. On the back of his outstanding commercial success on the east coast of Scotland, Trump is now ready to unveil his next stag...
Read full storyLet Them Eat Gronk! (Or at Least A Giant Cake of the New England Patriot)
There will be no donut hole in the head of Rob Gronkowski. His sweet life continues to roll on like a Fellini movie on steroids. One of his biggest sponsors has commissioned a life-size cake of the Gronk to be unveiled at Gillette Stadium befor...
Read full storyObama to appear on episode of pawn stars
According to sources close to Obama the president will appear on a future episode of the hit History channel show "Pawn Stars". The president is said to be bringing the declaration of independence in hopes of selling it for around 3 trillion doll...
Read full storyBookies Offering New Odds on Armageddon
Several UK Bookmakers have spread their interest in the latest developments in the Savile case. They are now offering odds on the following: (1) Many Freemasons and some of those who run their organization particularly those living in Scotland are corrupt. 1/10 (2) Many lawyers and barristers operating in the UK and some judges and their peers are corrupt. 1/10 (3) Many working in the Sec...
Read full storyMiranda'll Fix it for the BBC
The BBC has unveiled it's new strategy to regain the trust of the nation. This will start over the Christmas period when the Christmas Day schedule will feature a 90 minute special of the sit-com 'Miranda' starring Miranda Hart this will be followed...
Read full storyJack Nicholson and Sandra Bullock To Star In "PaulaGate - The General David Petraeus Story"
HOLLYWOOD - One of the biggest political scandals to hit the nation in a while is already in the process of being made into a motion picture. TouchRock Pictures in association with Pipe Dream Films has just announced that the movie based on The Ge...
Read full storyGeneral Petraeus Blames Mitt Romney For PaulaGate
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The former director of the CIA, General David Petraeus, reportedly told a close, unnamed friend that he never realized that he would one day join the ranks of individuals such as Senator John Edwards, Governor Eliot Spitzer, and Go...
Read full storyArizona Promises They Will Make School Kids Behave
PHOENIX, Arizona - The governor of the border state of Arizona, Jan Brewer, has just announced that she has met with a select committee and they have found an answer to the unruly school kids on a school bus problem. Governor Jan "The Man" Brewer,...
Read full storyPresident Obama To Do Away With The FSP in Beverly Hills
WATERLOO, Iowa - President Obama has wasted no time in keeping his promise to cut out certain federal programs that will have the least amount of affect on the least amount of citizens. The president, speaking before a crowd of 17,000 at The Crop...
Read full storyThe Astounding African Bomb Elephant
TARZANVILLE, Lower Zamgola - The African countries of Lower Zamgola and Buffaranda have been waring against each other since September of 2002. Geographic experts state that the friction between the two neighboring countries first started after a...
Read full storyElmo is pushed out of the closet
Elmo, the former Sesame Street heartthrob, reveals that he is gay in an exclusive interview with Gay Fard Magazine. He decided to speak about his condition after it was discovered he had recently undergone hemorrhoid surgery and was seen kissing...
Read full storyNapple's New Self-Driving Car is Like Riding With Your Blind Grandmother
From the internet search engine giant, Giggle's recently released self-driving car has sent ripples throughout the automotive and computer industries. Though less than perfect, Napple decided that in order to compete, it had to release it's own versi...
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