Penis Pumps Blamed For Sucking Off Medicare Funds: Called GIP-VASES
BILLINGSGATE POST - A new report by federal auditors blames a Kansas-based company for possibly cheating Medicare and causing the premature ejaculation of Medicare funds through potentially fraudulent claims involving penis pumps. The auditors are a...
Read full storyAttorney General Eric Holder, Obama's "Good Buddy", Never Misses A Happy Hour
Despite failing to produce the documents requested for the congressional investigation into the Justice Department's botched Fast and Furious gun walking operation Attorney General Eric Holder still managed time to sing karaoke and knock back a coup...
Read full storyAdditional Assistants "Absolutely Fine" Insist England
The FA have backed up their long standing view that the introduction of goal-line technology is completely unnecessary, praising the "stand-up job" done by UEFA's additional assistants in the wake of England's controversial 1-0 victory over the Ukrai...
Read full storyKirstie Alley Volunteers for Balloon Duty with U.S. Navy. Pointing Epidemic Spreads
Los Angeles - There were a few tense moments at the recruiting station today as Ms. Alley attempted to enter, albeit sideways. Things went a bit better after the door was removed, but not much. Once she caught her breath, she announced, "I'...
Read full storyElderly couple blow life savings on Moon rock
An elderly Saddleworth couple were counting the cost of an investment that went badly wrong for them. Eric Stoat (84) and his wife Doris (87) had seen an advertisement on the Internet for a company that was selling acres of the Moon to individual inv...
Read full storyAung San Suu Kyi is an old fraud says Hellfire Club accountant
London - "Stands to reason, innit?" Sir Galahad Belgrano, chief bean counter to the Illuminati said today as the Burmese 'pro-democracy campaigner' arrived in London. "Gotta be a total fraud for Speaker Bercow to schmooze her like she's some sort...
Read full storyObama Earmarked for Deportation after Election Defeat
Plans are afoot to deport Barack Obama from the US after he is defeated in November's election. It is understood that secret talks between Mitt Romney and immigration officials have already taken place and, once Romney is sworn in a s President and...
Read full storyMitt Romney Says If Elected President He Will Allow All of His Mormon Relatives From Mexico To Come To The U.S. No Questions Asked
NAUGATUCK, Connecticut - Mitt Romney's Mormon Merriment Presidential Campaign Bus Tour made a stop in the lovely New England town of Naugatuck, Connecticut. Naugatuck is noted for being the home of the fuchsia-breasted sap sucker, an unusual bird...
Read full storyHere Comes Kevin Youkilis, Mannywood or Bust
Red Sox star and occasional slumper Kevin Youkilis is apparently on the chopping block. The executioner is singing, "Sweet Caroline," one more time. At least Youk is on the short shopping list. The Red Sox have decided they have a surfeit of playe...
Read full storyBalotelli's boots are not bigger than his mouth!
Infamous Italian substitute and general outrageous loud-mouth, Mario Balotelli (who?), proved last night that his gigantic mouth is bigger than his huge boots. After receiving 15 minutes of play from the Italian coach, he managed to swing his boot...
Read full storyCartoon character Gaston picked by Bildaburger for 2016 election
Belgium - The secretive Bildaburger Group has chosen cartoon character Gaston to run for the office of President of the United States of America, according to our source, Jamie Rockafeltafish, one of the elite with a big mouth. According to our so...
Read full storyWhere Did Mitt Romney's Too Tight Blue Jeans Go?
The Campaign Dress Review is questioning where the Mitt Romney too tight blue jeans went. The jeans made his movements appear awkward, his feet shuffling with inch-worm steps addressing people to his right, followed by inch-worm steps addressing pe...
Read full story'Copycat' Tarot clue as 'Hanged Man' found in Hyde Park
London - The find comes nearly one year after the discovery of a dead man 'impersonating a major arcana Tarot card' opposite Buckingham Palace - as reported by QM-NewsCorpse. "It's an eerie echo of the July 2011 incident," an early morning jogger...
Read full storyFormer Red Sox and Yankee Roger Clemens No Hits the Feds in Court Verdict
Roger Clemens has been found not guilty on all counts in his eight-week trial, his second go-round over a four-year span. Jurors may have figured the cost of his legal representation likely punished him enough. A guilty verdict would have been red...
Read full storyNational Institute for the Deaf are worried about mopeds
The National Institute for the Deaf have issued a warning about mopeds, as they are concerned that a generation of teenagers will be destroying their hearing. "In the past we've been worried about teenagers and earphones, rock concerts and talking...
Read full storyWWE Wrestling Introduces Zombie Wrestling
WWE CEO and Chairman Vincent McMahon announced today that his company will be introducing a new category to his famous wrestling shows. The new category is Zombie Wrestling. Mr. McMahon said in a prepared statement, "For years we've been fighting...
Read full storyHomoeopathic researchers detect Archimedes bath water
Homoeopathic researchers at the Water Memory Project in Bath have successfully located the homoeopathic trace memory of the very bath water that Archimedes leapt from whilst shouting Eureka three thousand years ago. "We are bowled over by this dis...
Read full storyZombies Asking For Food Stamps
Today world leaders have been barraged with complaints from Zombie United to give aid and comfort to underprivileged zombies. Zombies United conducted a world-wide survey of zombies walking the different countries and found that seven out of ten...
Read full storyObama's Professor Talks; Now Other Teachers Talk Too
The floodgates have opened since one of Obama's former professors gave a negative review of his presidency. Now teachers all over the U.S. are talking about their former students. But unlike the professor's critique of President Obama, these ar...
Read full storyPresident Obama and The First Family Visit The Queen Mary and The President Makes A Little Semi-Racial Remark
LONG BEACH, California - President Obama and the first family traveled to Long Beach to take a tour of the RMS Queen Mary which sailed the North Atlantic Ocean from 1936 to 1967. Malia and Sasha Obama first mentioned that they wanted to visit the...
Read full storyThe Stars of The Vampire Diaries Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev Address The Skinny Dipping Rumors
CATALINA ISLAND, California - Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev flew over to Catalina Island to get a much needed break from the hectic pace of the place called LaLaLand. The couple has been extremely busy filming Vampire Diaries and working as much...
Read full storyKobe Bryant of The Los Angeles Lakers Is Getting Ready To Make An Amazing Announcement
LOS ANGELES - It is no secret to the members of the Lakers Nation that their superstar Kobe Bryant is not a happy camper and has not been since back in the glory days of Shaquille O'Neal, Robert Horry, and Rick Fox. Bryant recently confessed to Do...
Read full storyX-Factor's L.A. Reid Is Tired of Simon Cowell's "Gruesome Twosome" Britney Spears and Demi Lovato's Feuding
HOLLYWOOD - It appears that the sophomore edition of X-Factor is having more behind-the-scenes drama that the final season of Desperate Housewives. X-Factor Judge L.A. Reid recently sat down with Fajita San Guacamole of Hollywood Innuendo at The W...
Read full storyThe Divided States Of America
North America --In an effort to please the three major political parties, citizens have conducted a vote to split North America equally between the three parties. As a result, each party and all those citizens who support it will have approximately t...
Read full storyRoger Clemens Is Found Not Guilty On All 6 Charges - He's Immediately Offered A Contract To Pitch For The Chicago Cubs
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former major league baseball pitcher Roger Clemens was found not guilty on all six federal charges that had been filed against him. The fireballing pitcher known as "The Rocket" joins the ranks of notable individuals who have be...
Read full storySpinal Breakthrough Helps GOP
House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) will be going through an experimental surgery next week. The procedure, developed by Dr. Spina Bifida, will implant a cybernetic spine into the Speaker of The House. The procedure is expected to last 5 hours and w...
Read full storyKirstie Alley Kisses Her Diet Bye-Bye As She Balloons Up To 230 Pounds
LOS ANGELES - Kirstie Alley was recently spotted at a Tall Timbers Supermarket in Encino with a grocery cart hooked on to a second grocery cart. According to an employee of the food giant, Ms. Alley had loaded the first shopping cart with items su...
Read full storyObama Administration Introduces the NOFAT Program
Washington DC: White House Press Secretary Carney announced a new Obama administration initiative to reduce obesity in the USA in the next four years via the No Obese Fat American Taxpayer (NOFAT) Program. President Obama got the idea for the NO...
Read full story