A tale of two lovers
Morton Bendlebag, finished combing his hair, put the toupe on his shinning bald head, and made for the front door. It was the only way out of his semi detached in Penge, some bastard had super glued the back door lock. At the bus stop, Morton waited patiently for the number 55 bus, that would transport him to the Benghazi Community centre, Eagle terrace, Harlesden. Emmarold Partinfok, slippe...
Read full storyErectile Dysfunction? There's an app for that
A new applet start-up company, Bite Syze, has released One iMonster, the first version of their app to cure erectile dysfunction. "This app is certainly an eye opener," said Mac Buck, editor of App World!. "Obviously I don't have a problem in the...
Read full storyPaying cash in hand is 'diddling the country', says HMRC's boss
In an interview with The Daily Torygraph, Dave Hartnett says that householders have a duty to ensure that other people do not evade paying their share of tax. Paying a builder or cleaner in cash, allowing them to evade VAT or income tax, will result...
Read full storyGovernment introduces bonus seizure law
After a clamour of popular protest, the UK government has rushed through new legislation which allows them to seize any bonuses that are deemed too high. A committee of "public interest specialists" will meet every month to discuss who should have...
Read full storyDemi Moore 'pulls a Clinton', swears blind she did not 'inhale'
Los Angeles - Concerned fans jammed the switchboard at her PR agency's offices today asking after hapless Demi... and demanding the phone number of her supplier. Emergency hospitalization saw the 49 year-old actress 'pull a Clinton' as Matanusk...
Read full storyCher Fails to Prove She's Not Dead -- Burial Set for Tuesday
Hollywood, California -- Former superstar Cher has fallen victim to a bogus Tweet, which announced that she had passed away last Thursday. It appears that the 65-year-old singer/actress has no way of proving that she is indeed still alive. "Cher h...
Read full story"An idiot is more cleverer than me" claims Harry Redknapp.
The jury at Harry Redknapp's tax dodging trial have heard how the soccer boss writes like a two-year-old. The Spurs manager denied stashing dosh away and told cops: "You talk to anybody at the club, I can't write or spell. I couldn't even fill a t...
Read full storyJumping Spider, Putin's Wagon
Following reports from researchers in Japan about the unique vision characteristics of the Brown Jumping Spider, Vladimir Putin claims to have studied and discovered the distance judging proclivities of the spider some five years earlier, from the in...
Read full storyOral sex can cause throat cancer in pussies!
It has been discovered that there is a direct relationship between oral sex and cancer of the throat in pussies. Cats who enjoy a regular lick of their posterior are particularly sensitive to this form of cancer and it seems that human pussy lickers...
Read full storyHarry Styles splits with Caroline Flack, seen visiting Demi Moore in hospital
One Direction's Harry Styles has ended his three-month romance with telly presenter Caroline Flack. The pop heart-throb, who at just 17 is 15 YEARS Caroline's junior, ditched her this week after deciding their relationship was getting too serious.
Read full storyJustin Bieber Performs Michael Jackson, James Brown Rolls Over in Grave
Attempting to honor the legendary Michael Jackson at an event in Grauman's Chinese Theater, Justin Bieber performed a tribute moon walk and crotch-grab while elsewhere, rumblings were heard deep beneath the ground at James Brown's resting place. C...
Read full storyTennis: Scottish Man almost British after five set classic
In an amazing match that finished at almost 1am local time, Andy Murray narrowly missed out on being labelled 'British' by newspapers with editorial offices in England (and predominantly London) but is still scottish after a five set defeat to Novak...
Read full storyTransfer Window: French club Lorient join race for Tevez
Lorient of French Ligue 1 have initiated talks to sign Carlos Tevez after talks with Paris Saint-Germain broke down. An insider at the French Ligue one club told the spoof "We don't have the money to pay his transfer fee or wages but we didn't wa...
Read full storyPolitical Facebook - Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, & John Boehner
Political Facebook Ron Paul: Okay Mitt, so when are you and Captain Kangaroo Gingrich gonna come on down to Texas and take me up on my offer of that 25-mile bike ride? 9:03 a.m. Mitt Romney: Ron, I have no plans of doing such a thing. And besides I do not even own a bike. 9:07 a.m. Ron Paul: That's not a problem Mitty old boy. You can use my wife's bike. It's pink but hell, I'm pretty...
Read full storyLondon 2012: Olympic Opening Ceremony name revealed by director Danny Boyle
London 2012's opening ceremony is to be themed Wonder of Golden, organisers have revealed six months ahead of the Games. The ceremony's artistic director, Danny Boyle, revealed the name at a press briefing alongside crisp salesman Gary Lineker.
Read full storyFirst the swastika Olympic logo, now Danny Boyle's daft 'land that's been poisoned by industrial legacy' opening ceremony theme
London - Ecuador's corrupt justice department is said to be in raptures at the Olympic opening ceremony theme that mirrors its fraudulent and much criticised vexatious lawsuit against US super major Chevron. Described by ceremony artistic (sic) di...
Read full storyBoris Johnson Sexually Abused by Sir Andrew Neil?
Boris Johnson, the weirdly haired loon who runs London, has accused esteemed BBC political frontman Sir Andrew Neil of touching him inappropriately. Boris, who is currently in Davos deliberating with fellow strangefellows, has told Abu Dhabi-finan...
Read full storyRepublicans To Ban Educated Candidates
In a move guaranteed to delight the liberal left, the GOP is to ban anyone with an education from entering future races to win the Republican presidential nomination. The decision has been welcomed by factions on the hard right and within the loos...
Read full storyAll Sent Items: To Katie1988 From SteveTheMan
To: Katie1988@topmail.com From: SteveTheMan@talktalc.co.uk Hi Katie - it was so nice to finally meet you! After exchanging all those emails about family trees and both being new to the whole ancestry thing it was handy to exchange ideas. I've found a few more distant relatives on my Dad's side, so my tree is beginning to fill out now. How are you getting on? Maybe we could meet up again to c...
Read full storyAndy Murray to head Scottish Independence Drive
Andy Murray, the well known tennis incompetent, is to head the Vote Yes campaign in the upcoming referendum on Scottish independence. Andy, 34, took a time out during his exciting (and - I assume - losing though the game's not finished yet) semi-fina...
Read full storyNapoleon Theme Park Plan Stymies Spoof Scribe
Plans to build a Disneyland-style theme park dedicated to Napoleon have angered a writer whose job is poking fun at the French. Former government minister Yves Jégo plans to build the park at Seine-et-Marne, just south of Paris and the site of the...
Read full storyMy beloved Griselda - Part One - The beginning...
It all started, when a work colleague, Horace, invited me to a wedding anniversary meal at his home in Wilford, Nottingham, many years ago. His wife Susan, had also invited her German Penfriend, Grizelda Baumgarter (last name changed for reasons that will become obvious later). I arrived at his cottage early, and soon found myself being accepted within the family, despite my horrendous featu...
Read full storySurprise Guest at Dorking Steam Engine Renovation Society
The Dorking Steam Engine Renovation Society had a pleasant surprise this week as they met at Millie's Barn for their monthly meeting when Ringo Starr turned up. "I was blown away," said Humphrey Regard. "There we were discussing the merits of extr...
Read full storyNancy Pelosi's "Secret" About Newt Revealed
WASHINGTON, DC - A Congressional aide claims to know the "secret" which Nancy Pelosi (D-California) keeps threatening to reveal. Unfortunately, revealing the "secret" could have the "unintended consequence" of making Newt Gingrich more popular with v...
Read full storyChef Introduces Beautiful and Bad Romance Tacos
Fort Worth, TX - A few years ago, people in Texas wouldn't be caught dead eating from a food trailer. Now though it's all the rage. The latest food trailer to catch on in the trendy downtown neighborhood is Romance Tacos. Jonathan Ybarra, owne...
Read full storyThe Spoof Offers a Choose Your Own Font Option
A few days ago top satire site, The Spoof, went off line for several hours because editor Mark Lowton made a few changes that will benefit the many readers of The Spoof. He added a Spoof in Your Font option. Readers can choose the type of font t...
Read full storyGoldman Sachs to Give Away $100 Trillion
NEW YORK, NY -- In a bold effort to win back their good reputation and stimulate the economy, infamous Wall Street giant Goldman Sachs today promised everyone who votes in the November election $1 million cash. A Goldman Sachs spokesman said the c...
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