The Mystery Of Puddleby Cove - Featuring The Spiffing Six - Episode Two
Following on from episode one, in this abridged version of the classic Mystery Of Puddleby Cove, we completely bypass the original Chapter Two, which described how the twins, Tugboat and Martina, accompanied by cousin Spanky, faced down a pair of football hooligans, as the Spiffing Six, or three quarters of it, indulged in their passion for smoking weed and swilling imported Headbanger Beer. In...
Read full storyMitt Romney's houses burned down - 'very poor people blamed'
The American 2012 Republican nomination process took a twist today when the three houses owned by Mitt Romney all mysteriously burned to the ground. The incidents come just days after an interview when Romney told a foxy news presenter Dorothy Foxy t...
Read full storySuperbowl Suicide Bomber Story Causes Homeland Security Keyword Intelligence Computer To Crash
The Google backed super intelligence gathering computer, housed in a secret location in Northern Virginia, designed to pick up key words in e-mails and blogs such as "terrorist", "bomb", "nuclear", "suicide bomber", "superbowl", "muslim" and "attack"...
Read full storyThat's No Lady, That's Mrs Fred Goodwin!
London - Once she was the toast of the town, chatelaine of a sprawling country seat, ermine knickers, monogrammed stationery, bank accounts at C*untts & Co (now sadly bankrupted by her ex), a box at Royal Ascot and above all the title of Lady Goo...
Read full storyNews release from Tic Rodd, Governor of the Turks and Caicos Islands
Waterloo, Grand Turk: Many of you have noticed the flotila of tugs that have anchored in TCI waters during the last week. I can now reveal what will soon be happening. HM Government has decided to tow the Turks and Caicos Islands across the Atlantic and relocate them in the Thames estuary. Do not despair, Belongers, for this is a measure in your own interest. Think of the advantages you will...
Read full storyLetters To The Editor: The Industrial Revolution, or Thereabouts
Dear Sir, whenever I hear the song 'I'm 'Enery The Eighth I Am', I think, "that wouldn't work if they said 'Henry' like we do in real life." The cockney accent makes it worse; they are implying that all cockneys say "Enery" instead of Henry. Now if they used "Emery", as in Dick Emery, that might just work, plus there would be quite a demographic to aim for when it comes to re-marketing th...
Read full storyEngland Prepares For Scottish Independence
On Burns Night, 2012, the BBC broadcast to English viewers and listeners, Scotland's First Minister, Alex Salmond, reading poems by Robert Burns. Few will forget the chilling threat that followed this attack. 'Ah will continue tae reid th' poems ay Rabbie Burns at ye sassenachs,' vowed a visibly crazed Mr Salmond, 'until Scootlund achieves independence. Indeed,' he added, with wild eyes bulging...
Read full storyMan Utd Heroics Earn Draw At Chelsea
A top football expert was last night revelling in the aftermath of a heroic performance by Manchester United at Chelsea. "How blooming hilarious was that," laughed EIF News & Features sports editor Thelonious Adidas. He was referring to the...
Read full storyMet office backs down- Snow melted
The Met office today reversed their earlier statement regarding the massive amounts of snow forecast for the UK stating today. "Its just a light dusting" The statement angered thousands of pensioners across the UK who were preparing to freeze to deat...
Read full storyBook Review: #1 Best seller - Steven King "GOP Primary"
Within days of its release, this book has already outsold all other King books put together. People are standing in line at bookshops waiting for fresh deliveries. Printers are finding it increasingly difficult to keep up with the demand. The plot centers on a mismatched group of 19 people who set off on a Mad mad mad mad mad road trip to gatecrash a Tea Party in Iowa. One by one they are bumpe...
Read full storyPuppetmaster Cashcroft aims for bigger prizes (A Pirates of the Caribbean Update):
"Beautiful by Nature, Fucked by Sticky Micky!" As is said about the Turks and Caicos Islands, still seething and reeling in the hands of British control after it's government was brought down by corruption more than 2 years ago. Death of a Nation!...
Read full storySyria's Area 51 secrets shielded by Chinese/Russian UN veto strategy
Damascus - Protection of prehistoric alien artefuct secrets like the Tripoli County Krak des Chevaliers fortress is top of the joint Russian/Chinese agenda at the UN this weekend. The cold war allies refused to condemn President Assad's continued...
Read full storyRush: Why Do You Dorks Like This Band?
Stop it now. For some reason you dorks really like this band and I'm telling you they're not cool. The fact that they're still around, 40 years after they started, is scary and disappointing, because it means today's young generation of dorks will be downloading them to their iPods just as feverishly as their parents bought their albums, 8-tracks, cassettes, and CDs. Well, I'm telling you to stop...
Read full storyDear Plumber
As a jobbing plumber of over 30 years standing it will come as no surprise when I tell you that I'm regularly inundated with requests from despairing members of the public who need a sympathetic ear and some sound advice when dealing with their emotional, marital and sexual issues. Only last week I received the following crie de cours from a distressed woman who was quite clearly at the end of her...
Read full storyThou shalt not steal
Proverbs are trickles of man's life. An instance is 'Set a thief to catch a thief'. None of the species, in animal kingdom, favor being robbed. When prevention failed, 10 commandments came in: 'Thou shalt not steal'; but the command fell short, too. Then constables were hired; no abatement. Additionally, an unsanctioned alliance took place between the thieves and the constables; from that point on...
Read full storyBonham-Carter takes the plunge
Helena Bonham-Carter, oddball actress and part-time scarecrow has finally taken the plunge... straight into her avocado corner suite. After years of "Will she? Won't she?" Helena has dusted off her taps and taken her first bath in years!...
Read full storySuper Bowl team news: Tim Tebow and David Beckham late additions to squads.
Preparations for the Super Bowl were thrown into disarray this morning when it was announced that Tim Tebow and David Beckham have joined the squads as last minute wild cards. The NFL are thought to introduced the new rule to allow wildcards afte...
Read full storyA True Diary of Woe - Part Forty-One
A diary of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, cock-ups, and impecuniousness, which started in August 1947 Chapter 82 - Escorting the Prisoner After being on the minimum wage for so long, it came as a surprise to me when the boss asked if I'd like to do higher paid assignment for a day. I jumped at the chance. Then it came to light that it was a Prisoner Escort job, with an in...
Read full storyBBC And Met Office Sued As Local Man Freezes Wossnames Off
A local man is threatening to sue the Meteorological Office and the BBC over the accuracy of their weather forecasts. His action follows the heavy snowfalls that hit much of the country this weekend. Mr Benjamin Disraeli, 48, of Alamein Terrace...
Read full storyElton John Falls Foul Of Self-Appointed Pop Watchdog
Megastar Elton John is the latest chart-busting singer to fall foul of a West Yorkshire man who monitors the veracity of pop lyrics. Mr Graeme Literal-Gitt, of Horbury, near Wakefield, has already taken Paul Simon to court over the alleged inaccur...
Read full storyProblems Caused by the Severe Weather in Nottingham
Problems caused by the severe weather in Nottingham. * People having difficulties accessing the shops in the City Centre: This is having a serious effect on the economy for retailers and Big Issue sellers in Nottingham's City Centre. "Luckily 25% of them are already closed down and abandoned anyway!" * Police Stations getting snowed in: Making the enforcement of the law and protection of...
Read full storyA Very Depressed Jennifer Aniston Fears That Justin Theroux Is Getting Ready To Dump Her
OXNARD, California - Jennifer Aniston had driven up the Pacific Coast Highway to Oxnard to visit one of her favorite cousins Melba Toastowitz. As the two cousins sat in Melba's backyard listening to a CD by The Who Jennifer turned to Melba and ask...
Read full storyDisneyland Australia
Walt Disney Home Entertainment has released a statement at their Annual Conference on Friday confirming that a new disney land theme park will be built in Sydney, Australia. A rep for the company confirmed that the annoucement of the companies 9th Pa...
Read full storyKate Gosselin Finding Comfort and Joy In The Arms of Maksim Chmerkovskiy of Dancing With The Stars
VENICE BEACH - It appears that "The Badboy of The Ballroom" Dancing With The Stars, Maksim Chmerkovskiy has come to the aid of a damsel in distress. The fiery tempered Russian born dancer whose last name Chmerkovskiy, according to Judge Carrie Ann...
Read full storyRumors of A Romantic Involvement Between Johnny Depp and Lindsay Lohan Rock The Set of "Chicken of The Sea - The Story of The Captain of The Costa Concordia Francesco Schettino"
CATALINA ISLAND, California - According to several unnamed sources there appears to be a little more going on, on the set of the motion picture Chicken of The Sea - The Story of The Captain of The Costa Concordia Francesco Schettino than just acting.
Read full storyGhosts of Dead Conservative Couple Following Mitt Romney Around
When he waffles on an issue or appears to be going a bit soft on President Obama, Mitt Romney gets an invisible tap on the shoulder, or his papers will shift ever so slightly, making it hard for him to concentrate on what he is talking about. Two...
Read full storyGreece Must Bend Over for the Money
ATHENS -- At a secret meeting outside the city last night, the so-called "troika" of the European Union, the European Central Bank, and the International Monetary Fund told Greek officials that, if they want a second round of bailout money, Greek wor...
Read full storyNFL Grounds Madonna For Super Bowl: FAA Found Her Bat Wings Structurally Unsound
BILLINGSGATE POST - NFL officials announced this afternoon that Madonna will not be able to join flight with the 1000 white pigeons that will be released during half-time at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis. Citing information received from the...
Read full storyRussia Announces New Mentos And Soft Drink Powered Flight To The Moon
Russia has just announced their plans to step foot on the moon before the end of the decade. Vladimir Putin, Russia's Prime Minister said today to parliament and many representative news agencies from other countries, "Russia will be the second count...
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