Contents Of The Queen's Handbag Revealed In New Book!
In a new book, 'Elizabeth the Queen, She's On The Throne', by royal biographer Sally Bedsheet-Vomit, Sally has revealed some of the items Her Majesty likes to carry around with her in her handbag. They include a crisply folded five, and ten pound not...
Read full storyCamden kebab shop deconsecrates Amy shrine amid Pete Doherty apparition
London - A spectral image that suddenly materialised on the Delancey Street Kebab Taverna window was a dead ringer for the Babyshambles musician proprietor Costas Kleftiko said today. The Camden takeaway is host to an unofficial shrine to deceased...
Read full storyTop 10 worst driving partners
A Poll was taken by at least 2000 motorists and a list has been drawn up of the top 10 celebrities that people would NOT like to have as a driving partner if they were taking part in a rally. The reasons for these choices are not given, but some of the reasons that they are not chosen could be as follows: 10. Lewis Hamilton: he would be in too much of a rush to enjoy the scenery and when we did...
Read full storyLocal Man Supports Cher Lloyd In The Sun's 'Target A Troll' Campaign
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, 29, a dashingly handsome south coast based spear fisherman (Not true on any count - Ed) today announced his full backing for the Sun newspaper's online 'Target A Troll' campaign. "I'm all for it," Shuttlecock told re...
Read full storyA Caucus explained
The Caucasian Chalk Circle (German: Der Kaukasische Kreidekreis) is a play by the German modernist playwright Bertolt Brecht. An example of Brecht's epic theatre, the play is a parable about a peasant girl (Grusha) who rescues a baby and becomes a better mother than its natural parents. The early parts of the play serve to introduce the main characters, but it is scene 5 (The Chalk Circle) that...
Read full storyNottingham Forest owner and Labour Party dosher-up found dead at home, 'no suspicious circumstances' say cops
Notts - "Bwahaha, he was just about to sign another hefty cheque," Ed Miliband sobbed this afternoon on hearing the news that millionaire Labour Party donor Nigel Doughty had died suddenly at home in the gym. The party's deputy treasurer had appa...
Read full storyLocal Man Stocks Up On Cold Beer To Beat The Big Freeze
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today revealed how he prepared for the imminent big freeze blizzards, by nipping up the shops wearing odd gloves and carrying a rucksack, to stock up on beer supplies in order to get the better of the furious blizzard w...
Read full storyThe Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt VII; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery
My friend Shylock Humes and myself were sitting in a London growler, in the inky-shadowed street outside the villa of Colonel Clavicord, late of the Bengal Dancers. This villa was, I hoped, to be the scene of the great denouement of our adventure, in which all the various skeins, threads and loose ends gathered so painstakingly by my friend, would at last be tied, tidied and secured in lots of lov...
Read full storyPunctuation to be made optional in all online material
Due to a deteriorating command of the English language it has been determined that punctuation is no longer required in any material to be put on line It just confuses things said Don Caster head of English at Oxford University Nobody needs punctu...
Read full story$15 Trillion Super Bowl Bet Would Wipe Out The National Debt
Indianapolis -- Congress is gambling that a determined group of Patriots can again save the United States from collapse. The lawmakers are betting $15 trillion that the New England Patriots will defeat the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLVI. "If N...
Read full storyCatholic Leaders Protest Sex-Abuse Investigations- "These Traumatic Surprise Intrusions Violate Our Privacy"
ROME - Claiming that "presumptuous and thuggish impositions of will have disrupted the peace of our lives," a consortium of Catholic leaders around the world has formed in vehement protest of "traumatizing and intrusive" police investigations into re...
Read full storyMadonna buys Malawi
Madonna has reportedly bought Malawi and is in meetings at present to discuss the best way available to dismantle the country and ship it across the Atlantic. Then the complicated task of rebuilding the new Malawi will begin, including a new name. "...
Read full storyLocal Man Wears Odd Gloves On Trip Up The Shops
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, 32, today revealed that he popped up the shops wearing odd gloves, much to the consternation of his fellow shoppers. Amongst whom was a fat bloke without a coat in utter defiance of the impending big freeze. It se...
Read full storyThe Next Level
Jean and I had been out three times in the last couple of weeks after chatting on the phone and by e-mail for a bit. I had answered her ad in the newspaper's dating section, and we seemed to get on pretty well. It was at our last date that Jean said she thought we should 'take things to the next level' when we got together next. To be honest, I was quite happy keeping things platonic - I hadn't...
Read full storyThe two other Milliband brothers join Ed and David to form group of 4
Up to now, the political world was only aware of two Millibands, Ed and David, one the leader of the British Labour Party, the other, not the leader of the Brritish Labour Party. The rest of the family have always stayed firmly in the background.
Read full storyStars in poaching risk
Many celebrities are being stalked, not by the typical autograph hunter but by an international group of highly trained poachers. Their sole aim is to kill when a chance arises and to harvest their lucrative treasures. Human ivory, is found in...
Read full storyVegetarian Rage As Harry Styles Out Of One Direction Papped Eating Meat Pie In Dorking
Vegetarians the length and breadth of the nation were up in arms following the publication of photographs clearly showing Harry out of One Direction tucking into a Tesco's minced beef and onion pie in Dorking. High profile foodies blame Harry's sp...
Read full storyInternational Space Station picks up SOS signal from missing 'alien lake' drilling crew
Antarctica - "This is the last time we frack for bloody Gazprom!" was the gist of an emergency frequency communiqué picked up by astronauts aboard the ISS this morning. It has broken a seven day radio blackout of Russia's Arctic and Antarctic Res...
Read full storyPresident Obama to sing at The Superbowl
President Obama has been asked to sing at the Superbowl during the half-time break after organisers saw his 'Al Green moment' last week. Michelle Obama appeared on the Jay Leno show this week and told the host "he never stops singing to me - the c...
Read full storyCharity Hate Campaigner Faces Trial Over Takeaway Waste
A Sussex man has told of his torture at the hands of a local charity organisation. Steve Dobbs, 37, was hounded out of his house and home by the hate campaign instigated by the Sussex 'Food For The Poor' charity. Dobbs had returned home from a...
Read full storyDeath Penalty Brought Back For Litterers
In a dramatic U-turn the government have outright voted in the death penalty, for people too lazy to find a waste bin in the street. Cases of littering have increased by over 2000% in recent years, compared with figures taken in 2003, with many of...
Read full storyThe Mystery Of Puddleby Cove - Featuring The Spiffing Six - Episode One
EPISODE ONE It was a gloriously sunny, bright and stiflingly hot day, at the very beginning of the school summer hols, and fifteen year old twins, Tugboat and Martina Browne were busily packing cases in their bedroom. Even though the huge 16th Century manor house they inhabited had eleven spacious bedrooms, they absolutely insisted upon sharing. They shared everything; they were extremely cl...
Read full storyBBC's Room 101 Causes National Head Explosion Outbreak
Hospitals were inundated with victims of exploding head syndrome on Friday night after a screening of BBC 1's Room 101. TV watchdogs are now accusing the station of callously chasing ratings at the expense of viewers' safety. The incidents bega...
Read full storyIt Looks Like Madonna Has Her Super Bowl XLVI Halftime Lip Syncing Performance Down To A Semi-Science
INDIANAPOLIS - The Midwestern town of Indianapolis will be home to Super Bowl XLVI (46) between the Giants of New York and the Patriots of New England or as Sports Territory Magazine's Tango Brisket refers to the two teams, The Apple Guys Vs. The Tea...
Read full storyPolitical News for W/E 4th Februrary 2012 - with comments
29th January 2012: Four out of five criminals caught with a knife escapes jail sentence! Category: Crime Link: The Mirror - Knife crime in UK The Tories' "zero tolerance" policy on knife crime is in tatters, with four out of five knife-wielding thugs escaping a jail term. New figures show that of the 5,466 caught carrying a knife between July and September last year, just 1,132 were jailed,...
Read full storyMy Senior Moments this week - W/E 4th February 2012
29th January 2012: * An original first time effort for me this morning: I squirted Ibuprofen Painkilling gel onto my toothbrush, but thankfully I noticed before I started searching for my few remaining teeth to start cleaning them. I decided to store the gel in another area to avoid this happening again. * Could I find the pain-gel to put on me knees tonight? - Could I 'eck as like! Still search...
Read full storyNottingham News for W/E 4th February 2012 - with comments
31st January 2012: Man accused of killing couple is found hanged in prison cell Category: Crime Link: This is Nottingham: - Murderer found hanging in cell A Lithuanian man accused of murdering a policeman's parents was found hanged in his prison cell, an inquest has heard. Rimvydas Liorancas was pronounced dead at the scene. "Good!" 1st February 2012: Help group for Polish immigrants...
Read full storyFBI probes an anonymous elephant
Washington D.C. (Rooterz) - The FBI has decided to probe an anonymous elephant after it swallowed President Obama's cell phone while he was on a four day tour of the National Zoo in Washington, DC. "This is a matter of national security." says an...
Read full storyPrince Charles solves food shortage
A man who left school with no qualifications of worth and has hardly ever worked in his life, told Phillip Schofield on yesterday's "This Morning" show that he has a solution to cannibal food shortages. Prince Charles felt he had to go on the s...
Read full storyRonnie Wood is walking corpse
Rumours suggesting that ageing rocker Ronnie Wood 98, won't be ageing anymore. An undercover video recording has appeared on the internet, filmed by a reporter having an "off the record" conversation with a former employee of Wood's. Anthon...
Read full storyAdam Lambert to Take Over from Queen
The British Royal family is reported to be changing House with the House of Windsor about to become the House of Lambert. A report in British tabloid, the Daily Rats, confirmed that the Queen will be succeeded by none other than singer, Adam Lambe...
Read full storyPresident Obama and Former President Bush - Investigated For DWI
Former President George W. Bush and Current President Brack H. Obama was pulled over today by D.C. police after running a red light. Officer Porker reportedly pulled over their car as it was traveling westbound on Constitution Ave as it crossed 17th...
Read full storyWhite House Pimps And Obama Czars Not Included In New Job Numbers
BILLINGSGATE POST - The Labor Department announced today that the 240,000 increase in jobs did not include the record number of pimps and Czars installed by President Obama in the administration. It is estimated that the number of czars in the Oba...
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