England vs. Netherlands: Live Text
Stuart Pearce in the postmatch interview: "Well we got off to a decent start, but I think getting the third before half time was where we went wrong. It's always better to go in at 2-0 rather than 3. I made a few changes and they didn't seem to have the desired effect. Espescially after just 10 seconds in the 2nd half we went down to 10. My tactic of playing a second goalie then backfired, I was u...
Read full storySantorum Comes Out Against Higher Education!! Affirms Republican Plank of Mediocrity!
Detroit - Little Ricky Santorum was quoted in Michigan as saying, "President Obama has said he wants everybody in America to go to college. What a snob," Santorum said Saturday. "There are good, decent men and women who go out and work hard every da...
Read full storySmart Peeple R the Caws Of The Wurld's Trubbles
Ther nedes to bee a law aganst smart peeple. They R the reel reeson behind a lot of the wurlds problems. Evri won blames bad peeple fur the trubbles that exist butt if u investigaat depeley enuf u will sea that itt is reely peeple with two mani branes that are respocible fur much ov the wohs uv our plannet. Fur instanse, taik a look at Acmajinudad (don't expect mee to nowe how to spel THAT na...
Read full storyLocal Man Receives Shock Feb 29th Leap Year Proposal From Bunny Boiler
Local man and former Dorking resident, Martin Shuttlecock, a dashing 27 year old lion tamer, with a baldy head, and some of his own teeth, now based in Titchfield, today revealed that he had received a marriage proposal from a potential bunny boiler.
Read full storySantorum Beats His Wife
Mitt Romney beat Rick Santorum in the Arizona and Michigan primaries Tuesday night. His dominance over Mr. Santorum in the Republican presidential nominating race may have led to Mr. Santorum taking it out on his wife, Karen, mother to their seven ch...
Read full storyAntimatter or matter, does it matter?
US scientists at the US Tevatron accelerator have discovered, after millions of US tax money had been invested, that the universe is full of "matter" and "antimatter" is much less and after all does it really "matter" which "matter" is out there anti...
Read full storyStar of The Artist loses voice
Jean Dujardin from the smash hit silent movie "The Artist" has become a mute. In a ironic yet dramatic series of events, the actor has permanently lost the use of his voice. The news broke not long after the oscars where "The Artist" won numer...
Read full storyOlympic offshoots to make debut in 2012
Due to the unexpected success of the COBRA committee at preventing terrorist attacks at the Olympic games (the Olympic stadium is still standing as of this article going to print) a number of offshoot committees and think tanks have been set up with...
Read full story"I'm treated worse than a Tappin" claims Terrorist
As Briton, Christopher Tappin, prepares to appear in front of a US court today; Abu Qatada, who himself was nearly deported, has claimed that he is being treated worse than Tappin. Qatada, a proven terrorist, has criticised his treatment since he...
Read full storyWindsor Castle oil spill 'part of Chevron Ecuador pollution scam'
Windsor, Berks - An oil leak close to a newly installed River Thames hydro power turbine near Windsor Castle has been blamed by Amazonbotch supporters on US super major Chevron. Thousands of gallons of sweet light crude have been reported gushing...
Read full storyScot for England Captaincy
In a move which will shake the footballing world ex-West Ham player Stuart Pearce, now England Manager, has named ex-West Ham hero Scotsman Scott Parker as England captain. Last season the Scot was named Footballer of the year and now he's Captain...
Read full storyHeheh, by remote control from Purgatory? Plaid Cymru soothsayers rubbish Queen's opening of Olympics
Cardiff - Welsh Nationalist seers have laughed off suggestions that Queen Elizabeth will actually ever open the London 2012 Games. Their St David's Eve seance at Caernarfon Castle saw some spooky funereal hexoplasm materialise to answer queries ab...
Read full storyAmerican Idol's Top 13 Guys Sing Live and Two Get Standing Ovations From The Judges
HOLLYWOOD - American Idol Host Ryan Seacrest looked a whole lot better than he did on Sunday evening at The Academy Awards Red Carpet festivities. That night during an interview "Peaches" Seacrest got Bisquick Pancake Mix spilled on him by Admiral...
Read full storyMitt Romney Sings "Sexy and I Know It" in Shower
A Mitt Romney aid has just leaked some interesting news about the presidential candidate. Seems although Mr. Romney may sing "America the Beautiful" in public, his favorite song while showering in the campaign bus is "Sexy and I Know It," by LMFAO.
Read full storyIrish Post Nipple Count Set To Rise Under New Editor
UK Irish newspaper the Irish Post is set for a startling overhaul following the appointment of a new editor. Murray Morse is the new man at the helm of the popular weekly, which provides news from home and abroad for the Irish community in the UK.
Read full storySummer and Winter Olympics to be merged in 2020
With the massive costs associated with hosting the Olympics, the Olympic committee has decided that the Summer and Winter games will be merged into one Olympics. This will mean the introduction of ice skating, skiing and snowboarding events to the ma...
Read full storyMore Non-Gratuitous Gratuity Please
After it's premier on Channel 4 two weeks ago, Homeland became the latest US programme to provide viewers with a more "realistic" show, by being more explicit. Following trailblazers such The Wire, The Sopranos and Deadwood which also feature str...
Read full story'Dancing With The Stars' Unveils The Well-Known and The Not-So-Well-Known Celebrity Dancers For Season 14
HOLLYWOOD - The co-hosts of Dancing With The Stars Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke-Charvet are back and so is the team of professional dancers. And this year, as in years past, a lot of the celebrities are not exactly household names. As noted by...
Read full storyParis Hilton and Chelsea Handler To Star With Ron Jeremy In The R-Rated Film "Thinking Outside The Box"
LOS ANGELES - Gladiator Pictures in association with Pipe Dream Films has just announced that filming will soon begin in the Ron Jeremy - Paris Hilton movie Thinking Outside The Box. The motion picture will be directed by Bandini Borrapelli and wi...
Read full storyA True Diary of Woe - Part Forty-Six
A diary of one man's (Using the term lossely) utter failure, depression, frustration, cock-ups, and impecuniousness, starting in August 1947 Chapter 89 - A dark, dank, overcast night... It was a dark, dank, overcast night, with a roving light mist coming and going, interspersed with a get-you-soaking-wet light drizzle. I was assigned to a site that was about 14 miles out of Nottingham, in...
Read full storyQuatermass Returns - to Nottingham!
Albert Quatermass, the son of Professor Bernard Quatermass, the pioneer of the now extinct British space programme, who headed up the British Experimental Rocket Group, and continually found himself confronting sinister alien forces that threatened to destroy humanity in the 50's ans 60's, has now turned his hand from his wicker-bottom chair repairing interests, to join the Nottingham City Council...
Read full storyZ Cars Episode One
Officer More stood looking down at the body on the floor. He had not seen the like in the twenty years he had been a policeman; in fact, he had not seen anything like it since his days as a butcher. His moment of reflection was interrupted by the arrival of Officer Ore, who sidled up beside him and asked an obvious question. "Is he dead" "Well" Began More. "Yes I am" said Ore "But is he dead...
Read full storyStripped down Windows 8 will run on last century Pentium PCs
Microsoft is currently busy promoting their upcoming Windows 8 operating system designed for use on tablets and mobile phones as well as their traditional PC market. However, as a result of making Windows lean and mean enough to run on these devices...
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