HOLLYWOOD - Lindsay Lohan says that she has learned her lesson and hopes to get back on the right track and leave the world of booze, drugs, lesbian nudity, suggestive finger nail messaging, and necklace stealing behind her.
The much troubled actress speaking with reporter Pico de Gallo of Tittle Tattle Tonight said that the fear of returning to prison has flipped a switch deep down in the nether region of her recessed groin area and she has decided to start to get her act together (no pun intended).
LiLo, as her former lesbian friends called her, said that she still remembers how mean, cruel, and viciously vicious some of the female inmates who she was in prison with before were.
She also noted how horrible most of them smelled and how some of them sported some of the most hideously ugly tattoos this side of Amy Winehouse.
Lohan said that one girl had even gotten a tattoo on her tongue. Lindsay's whole body shook as she said that, that was just about the ugliest woman that she had ever seen with the one possible exception of Donatella Versace.
She added that she actually saw the woman, whom she would only identify as "Amazon Ho," take a regular sized Louisville Slugger baseball bat and fashion it into a drumstick using only her teeth.
3Ts Pico de Gallo noted that he truly believes that Lindsay Lohan really and truly wants to change this time.
He stated that she is even looking in the Internet about the possibility of opening up her very own rehab clinic so that she can help other weak-as-heck celebrities like Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen, Kanye West, Chris Brown, and Naomi Campbell.
In a related story. Lindsay Lohan is writing a tell all book on lesbianism titled 'I Used To Be A Lesbian, But Then I Wasn't, And Then I Was, And Now Once Again I'm Not.'