Social Workers clearly to blame for everything, whichever way you look at it.
A national survey today found conclusive evidence that just about everything that has gone wrong is due to the involvement of a social worker. Government sources found that in many cases, tough, stringent fiscal measures have foundered due to the...
Read full storyShylock Humes And The Narwhal's Tusk Scrimshaw, Part Four
My friend Shylock Humes looked at our remarkable visitor, Captain, or Professor, Goosefoundling - for it was indeed he - and spoke directly. His voice was like the crowing of a cock on a summer morning in Norfolk, when the sun begins to burnish the enormous sky and the windmills glow like rare moonstones. Fifteen minutes later, we had begun to tire of these farmyard impressions. My personal...
Read full storyDanny Alexander protests that he "cannot possibly be a Tory"
Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander today explained candidly the background his political beliefs to lobby journalists at Westminster. Alexander spoke at an exclusive briefing arranged after his most recent hatchet job on behalf of what is in fact, a Conservative Government. Look, I accept that I work for the Tories, always agree with the Tories and constantly sound off in exactl...
Read full storyMenstrual Cycle Chart used to predict Women's Tennis results
Eric Nonce, a retired Maths teacher from Dorking, has put his high IQ to good use. He has predicted every Ladies Champion at the Wimbledon Tennis Tournament since 1969. Mr Nonce, who operates from a shed in Dorking, consults Tide Tables to analyse...
Read full storyMiss Muscley Girl USA
Quite a tussle at the Miss Muscley Girl contest, held once again in the prestigious Bananna Slims Casino and Car Title Loan megaplex near UTurn Nevada. In what is being called a steroid induced rage, Pammie Thighcramps beat up three fellow contest...
Read full storyFirst Year Undergraduate goes entire second term without duvet cover
Following the conclusion of his second term at Westminster University, Duncan Gilmore announced today that he had spent the entire duration of his second term at the institution without a duvet cover. "After I washed it I just could figure out how...
Read full storyPolitician accused of U-turn
MP Sir Saint Bernard Top-hat is a Treasury Minister who has for many months been calling for greater budget cuts. In recent days though, he has changed his mind and says the government should be spending more money, not less. Critics have attacked...
Read full storyWeiner booked on Broadway; performs his own stunts in "Tweeting Memories: The Tangled Web"
Shut out of politics by a cyber sex scandal, former Congressman Anthony Weiner has landed on Broadway. The ex-politician stars in a one-man show based on his adventures as America's lewdest lawmaker. Titled "Tweeting Memories: The Tangled Web," t...
Read full storySpoofify valued at $10bn after funraising
Wall Street, NYC - The UK satire streaming site Spoofify has raised enough Wall Street $$$s to value the company at $10 billion ahead of the eagerly awaited American launch. A series of key moves with popular comedy blogging sites Farcebook, Squit...
Read full storyNew TV Show Starts Tomorrow
A new prime-time entertainment TV show is due to start tomorrow called Suicide Live! The show will feature people's hilarious home movies of their friends and family committing suicide narrated over with witty commentary by Stephen Mulhern. Pr...
Read full storyAngry Liverpool Fan Sues Club for Breach of Trust
Unhappy Liverpool fan Julian Cowell-Bennett, 39, is opening legal proceedings against Liverpool football club on the grounds that the club have failed to deliver on the promise given to him when he began supporting the club in September 1978, at the...
Read full storyLetters To The Editor - Saturday Edition
Sir, I feel compelled to take issue with all these buffoons who keep appearing on the nation's television sets, telling all and sundry that we Britons are obsessed with lavatorial humour. In my experience, there is nothing remotely humorous about a visit to the lavatory. It is, in fact, quite a serious business. For instance, when going for a lengthy sit down session, certain accoutrements mus...
Read full storySwedish army introduces firearms ban
The Swedish army is perhaps best known for its flamboyant displays during the Stockholm gay parade, but even non-homophobic NATO allies will be raising their eyebrows at the Scandinavians' latest military antics. Sweden has become the first countr...
Read full storySelena Gomez Says Justin Bieber Is Extremely Upset That The Vancouver Canucks Were Defeated By The Boston Bruins
HOLLYWOOD - Selena Gomez spent the day shopping on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. She had recently gotten out of the hospital where she had been rushed due to malnutrition, undernourishment, and a very pronounced case of split ends. The teen singin...
Read full storyKirstie Alley Has Just Become America's Most Popular "Cougar"
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Kirstie Alley has shyly admitted that she has literally gone from not having dated in over a decade to dating up a storm. The 60-year-old who recently took second place on the dance reality show Dancing With The Stars has been as...
Read full storyLabour Promise Mobility Scooters For All
If they win the next election, the Labour Party promise to help people who are too lazy to walk, by providing them with free mobility scooters. At first, due to financial problems, this benefit will apply only to the unemployed. Later, when the na...
Read full storyQueen Latifah and Wanda Sykes Say They Will Probably Kick Tracy Morgan's Homophobic Butt
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Queen Latifah and Wanda Sykes had both just finished performing at the Ha Ha Ha Comedy Club in West Holly, as the locals refer to West Hollywood. The two black gay comedians had performed at a show to benefit the underprivileged b...
Read full storySarah Palin Says That In Order To Jump Start Her Presidential Campaign She Will Appear In A Nude Layout In PlayMister Magazine
CHICAGO - Mitt Romney is way ahead of Sarah Palin in the GOP popularity poll. Palin told Tabitha Tula Wishywater of GOPicky Magazine that she did not get the turnout that she was expecting to get with her Nationwide Bus Tour. "Snowflake" stated...
Read full storyThe State of Ohio Has Purchased Brand New Trucks For Each Dallas Mavericks Player
COLUMBUS, Ohio - Governor John "Happy Guy" Kasich is so thrilled at the fact that the Dallas Mavericks defeated the Miami Heat to capture the NBA Finals Championship Trophy that he has given each of the Dallas Mavericks players a brand new 2011 Toyot...
Read full storyUnemployed Man Charges Friends to Hang out With Him
Grapevine, TX - A laid-off Verizon employee, Stephen Hunter, 32, has begun charging his friends the pleasure of his company in order to make ends meet. He decided to try this the day after getting his walking papers. A salesman by trade, he figured...
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