Unhappy Liverpool fan Julian Cowell-Bennett, 39, is opening legal proceedings against Liverpool football club on the grounds that the club have failed to deliver on the promise given to him when he began supporting the club in September 1978, at the age of six.
Cowell-Bennett, though he was born and raised in Reading and has never resided north of Banbury, did once stray within sixty miles of Anfield when he visited Market Drayton on business.
He told reporters that Liverpool had recently serially reneged on the impression made at the time that they won everything all the time, had the best players and you never, ever had to worry about feeling even slightly sad about losing or having the piss taken even a little bit by males roughly your own age.
"I could have gone to Tottenham," said Cowell-Bennett, a solicitor, and expert on IT copyright law, which effectively means he's that twat who's paid to surf Youtube taking off interesting footage on the behalf of major global corporations, "and I turned down tempting offers from Arsenal and Aston Villa. But Liverpool quite clearly indicated at the time that they didn't lose, and despite not knowing where Liverpool was or having any intention of ever going there, I signed a lifetime deal after watching them twice on 'The Big Match' and deciding to do what everybody else at school did."
Cowell-Bennett points out that he was an avid supporter throughout the eighties, kept his support in the nineties when Liverpool "only won a major trophy about twice, for god's sake" and was like any Liverpool fan, delighted when they spawned that European Cup, and like any Liverpool fan, still hasn't shut up about it.
"But at the moment, it's a disgrace", he commented into a bluetooth headset, whilst driving a Silver Audi A8 right up someone's arse with the lights on full beam, "and I actually might as well have actually supported my local fucking team. Well, perhaps not. Look at me. I'm smug, shallow and have no ability to take the rough with the smooth or keep perspective through setbacks with or without the help of black humour. Actually, thinking about it, I do live sort of near to Stamford Bridge."
Sources close to Cowell-Bennett suggest this recent action has been prompted by repetitive, heated and deeply tedious workplace clashes with younger colleague 26 year old Simon Dewhirst-Platt about the relative merits of 18 titles plus 5 European Cups versus 19 plus 3.
When contacted, Dewhirst-Platt declined to comment on the allegations, though he did wish to clarify that "it doesn't if I am from fucking Eastbourne, actually, my great Uncle Trevor went to Old Trafford at least twice, and I once stayed a whole week in a Travelodge just outside Stockport."
