Written by Rebel Not Taken

Saturday, 18 June 2011

image for Menstrual Cycle Chart used to predict Women's Tennis results
moody tennis player

Eric Nonce, a retired Maths teacher from Dorking, has put his high IQ to good use. He has predicted every Ladies Champion at the Wimbledon Tennis Tournament since 1969.

Mr Nonce, who operates from a shed in Dorking, consults Tide Tables to analyse the menstrual cycles of all the female seeds. Using his own scientifically designed Flow Charts, he is able to assess the mental and physical state of any selected player at a given time.

Eric Nonce's Time of The Month Tennis Chart had it's first success in 1971. After prolonged research he picked underdog Evonne Goolagong to beat hot favourite Margaret Court in a tense final. The emotionally drained runner up Margaret Court, admitted after the event that she had cramped up during the match due to 'women's troubles'. Mr Nonce described the match as "a bloodbath" and lists it among his all time favourites.

The 1980's was the decade that really tested Eric Nonce's Flow Chart theories. Rumours that Billie Jean King and Martina Navratilova had used 'modern techniques' to inhibit their menstrual cycles led him to doubt his methods. Despite succumbing to a long period of depression he still managed to function normally and predict winners.

Eric Nonce's other regret is that Anna Kournikova never became a Wimbledon Champion. "It never seemed to be the right time for her" he explained. Eric collected lots of statistical data on the young Russian player and still has a graph of her mood swings pinned up on the wall of his shed.

But at least half of the population are not impressed by Eric Nonce's predictions.

The Editor of the magazine Women's Tennis Monthly has called Nonce's theories "puerile and pathetic".

Mr Nonce was due to give his prediction for this year's Tournament on Woman's Hour tomorrow but has been told to "forget it" as the presenter has "changed her mind".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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