Joyce, you thunderous god-like beauty! Daughter of your sister's Mum; Every day I find you working, In the midst of Tesco's hum! Thy enchantments bind together, What did customers' surge divide, Beggars stealing Tennent's super, Will your matronly charms abide. You embrace a million shoppers! Oh take my kiss wondrous old girl! Eagle-eyed attendant shepherd, Keep your checkout tills...
Hey lads, gather round I'll spill the beans of news I found We are no longer needed here We are all obsolete I fear Our womenfolk can do the deed Of us, dear boys, there is no need Your reproductive worth is nil No longer are there holes to fill The bitches have all found a way To lend more credence to the gay They've finally worked out how they can produce their offspring without m...
Sponsored by Japanese toy and video gaming giant, Banshee Nippon, winners in the U.S. 2009 high school Haiku competition were announced last Thursday amid national controversy. Scheduled in conjunction with a series of summit meetings held by the U...
The Lesson Looking out of a sky-blue window, A parting among the clouds, Using a thunderbolt like a needle Pointing out places on a map,-which is real All the power of the galaxy In a jar marked 'Universe' That tadpoles used to swim in. The way to make ant-people cower By just blowing on the sea a bit, Drowning the surrounding land... A typical Environment lesson ; Even as far aw...
Dear Candidate, I hope you don't mind, but I have recycled the flyer that you put through my door. I did read it, but it only contained all of the promises you made before. D'ya get me? D'ya get me? Cos I'm is talkin' to you. D'ya get me? D'ya get me, brethren?...
From the 'Book Of Nursery Rhymes For The 21st Century' #201 There was a crooked Lord There was a crooked Lord, In a crooked House, they say, Who offered up his services To anyone who'd pay. So a stranger offered money To not do what he oughta But, sad for him, this other man Was a Sunday Times reporter So the crooked little Lord , With his crooked little vice, Knew at once the...
Not satisfied with saving the world, the rain forests, polar bears, whales, New Labour, Old Labour, Joanna Lumley, and the Gospel Singers Of America, Bono is to have his latest piece of self indulgent pap performed on BBC Radio Four tonight - his ram...
The new Poet Laureate has been announced by the Queen this morning, following the standing down of Andrew Motion. However the predicted successor Carol Ann Duffy was left speechless (and indeed Rhyme-less) when it was announced that the actual new...
After all the Jade Goody stories of recent months (years?), I thought it might be pleasant to introduce some culture, and a little verse, to the pages of The Spoof. So, let's have a little bit of Gilbert & Sullivan: I am the very model of a modern Labour Minister My words are often cynical, my motivation sinister I know the laws of England though for me they don't quite register From...
Andrew Motion the British Poet Laureate who has authored ten Royal Poems has resigned. Motion admitted himself into a London hospital with a self confessed condition of tired lips. Motion told me that he had never had a job quite so taxing:...
I misheard something on Radio 4 the other day which resulted in me writing this. It happened in early March so I worked that into the title. The Lizard is a peninsula in south-west Cornwall and has nothing to do with lizards. March of the Lizards by Rob Barratt (version 2) She said, "Lizards are sweeping through Cornwall" They are bound for the Lizard, I guess They are carrying dustpans...
A collection of political poetry, useful for purging pestering pundit pus. CEOs The CEO's in money are swimmin' and bonuses are all the time winnin'. They drive their companies to the ground, then in order for them to rebound they ask for a hand out with a scheme that's well planned out and all the way to the bank they are grinnin'. Palin Poesy They called up the lass that was...
Ode to Daschle and Obama on the Eve of Their Mutual Embarassment Daschle, the Cabinet-hopeful, said, "To hell with paying the tax. I'm huge, I'm great, I'm God's Gift So I'll just 'phony' the facts." Obama said, "Fine with me," 'Til he was hurt by all the fuss, That's when he picked up Daschle And threw him under the bus. The End...
The US version of the smash hit TV show "Poet Idol" is due to begin filming in April for the FOX Network. Originally screening last year in the UK, the show which offered the top prize of the position of Poet Laureate for the Queen became a supris...
On the 400th anniversary of the birth of one of England's greatest poets, readings and research have the Isle reeling before the blind bard, John Milton. Modern dat Puritans have been trying to reclaim him as one of their own while scholars claim Mil...
Leading US writer and poet, Jalapenoman, has been told by friends to desist from writing, what he calls, 'poetry', or face exclusion from his favourite waste of time, TheSpoof.com. Man, who usually writes news stories, but recently took it upon hi...
A recent poetry evening, organised by Lenny Smith, a 37 year old Dalek was said to be a complete disaster. Smith, a peace loving Dalek, completely at odds with his comrades blamed a lack of love for Poetry amongst his friends for the show's disapp...
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