Written by Rob Barratt

Monday, 9 March 2009

image for March of the Lizards
Some people say lizards aren't friendly or have good inter-personal skills

I misheard something on Radio 4 the other day which resulted in me writing this. It happened in early March so I worked that into the title. The Lizard is a peninsula in south-west Cornwall and has nothing to do with lizards.

March of the Lizards by Rob Barratt (version 2)

She said, "Lizards are sweeping through Cornwall"
They are bound for the Lizard, I guess
They are carrying dustpans and brushes
To clear up all the litter and mess

They are flying BA down to Newquay
But some don't know which way to go
There are soft touchy-feely 'uns and jet-lagged chameleons
Who'll be changing, no doubt, at Heathrow

The lizards are checking their transport
With a monitor at every station
They'll all get on the bus with a minimum of fuss
And an air of cold-blooded elation

The lizards have skins that are scaly
And they stare with those big beady eyes
But I don't know why they've come to visit
In fact, it was quite a surprise

They come in all shapes and all sizes
There's a big one that looks like Godzilla
There's a common brown one from Devizes
And a less common one from Manilla

Yes, the lizards are many and varied
There are geckos and slow-worms and skinks
And large iguanas who'll trample the farmers
In their search for refreshments and drinks

The lizards are looking for sunshine
But I'm afraid it's not very abundant
And they're getting things clean and improving hygiene
Making council employees redundant

Now the lizards are marching to Truro
To Falmouth, Redruth and St Mawes
They've been walking for miles, but are still wearing smiles
Despite great wear and tear on their claws

The lizards have come here to help us
To clean up the villages and towns
They will bask in the sun till a quarter past one
Then get up and start doing their rounds

Some people say lizards aren't friendly
Or have good interpersonal skills
But they're here on a mission to go surfin' and fishin'
And hang out wearing old espidrils

They're heading for Callington and Launceston
For Bodmin, Saltash and St Ives
And a lecherous few may appear down in Looe
For a dirty weekend with their wives

All the lizards will wear "hi-vis" jackets
As they whistle a lizard-like tune
A komodo dragon in a small yellow wagon
Will be tidying Fowey with a broom

The lizards are advancing on Camborne
To Newlyn and even Penzance
In Helston they'll sing, dressed in old Cornish bling
And they'll do a reptilian dance

They are heading for Gweek and Porthleven
And further down to Lizard Point
And the lizards will think they're in heaven
As sports therapists massage their joints

And when the invasion is over
When they've cleaned up and had lots of fun
I suppose they'll go back where they came from
To a much warmer place in the sun

And they'll tell all their friends and relations
How they partied and cleaned up the West
But they'll never forget, it was drizzly and wet
So next time they'll be packing a vest

And if you should tune in to the weather
And in March someone utters these words
"b….lizzards are sweeping through Cornwall"
Bear in mind that you may have misheard

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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