High School Haiku Winners Announced

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Thursday, 8 October 2009

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Haiku Who? Four High School Winners

Sponsored by Japanese toy and video gaming giant, Banshee Nippon, winners in the U.S. 2009 high school Haiku competition were announced last Thursday amid national controversy. Scheduled in conjunction with a series of summit meetings held by the U.S. Department of Health, Education and Welfare, the winning students were invited to read their Haiku entries in front of the department audience and the attending press.

Regional teachers reportedly had trouble inspiring involvement from their students given the nature of the highly structured, non-rhyming symbolic poetry. "Rap lyric competition would have easier to sell these kids", said one principal. "Ask for three disconnected lines totaling seventeen syllables? Some of these kids can't even count that high."

Participating students were encouraged to share real thoughts and feelings without fear of reprisal from teachers or competition judges. "We wanted raw feedback, and insight into the soul of today's youth", says Japanese judge Hitori Nuas-Hol. Department of H.E.W. summit attendees were admittedly, "not prepared for the content presented."

Honorable Mention: Justin Acorn, Des Moines, Iowa.
how daddy wobbles
happy hour with Mr. Beam
vomit covers shoes

Third Place: Kyle Kandor, Jackson Hole, Wyoming.
mom's famous chili
pleasant smells waft through kitchen
my ass hair in flames

Second Place: Tae Kamebak, Chicago, Illinois.
tanned leaves of Autumn
colors dance and sun shimmers
where's my fucking rake?

Grand Prize Winner: Candy Kumphastr, Newark, New Jersey.
disappointing boy
sensitive, caring and kind
screws like my old priest

Summit attendees were gasping for air in shock from the prose. One woman representing Michigan Schools was seen choking on a finger sandwich.

Hitori Nuas-Hol tells reporters that the four Haiku winning themes will be combined into a new video game scheduled for release next summer. The four central characters in the urban fantasy game will include a vomiting drunk, a chef with methane control problems, a homicidal maniac with a rake, and a vixen with big hair and a Jersey accent.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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