THUG CITY, IL ---- Following what he described as a "thorough review" of his flight crew's use of police to drag Kentucky medical doctor David Tao off an "overbooked" flight to prevent him from tending to his patients the next morning (and to replace...
LANSING, MI --- Most of us have drunk a bottle or two of Mountain Dew. As we sipped the frosty green beverage, we probably never worried about it. After 7,200 gallons of the drink's concentrated syrup flooded the internal sewers of a Pepsico bottling...
NEW YAWK, NEW YAWK ---- Rachel "Meow" Maddow says her qualifications as the hostess of MSNBC's The Rachel "Meow" Maddow Show are her "lesbianism and her liberalism, in that order." A graduate of the University of Oxford (Mississippi), she boasts of her doctorate in politics and says she agrees with almost everything in "the Eisenhower-era Republican platform." When he heard of her statement,...
HOLLYWEIRD, CA ---- The Simpletons is an animated situation comedy created by Matt Groaning for the Crazy-Like-a-Fox Broadcasting Company. The supposedly satirical series focuses on the Simpleton family, Homo, Barge, Barf, Pizza, and Maggot, who live in Stinkfield. Supposedly, the show parodies American culture, the middle class, suburbia, society, television, radio, democracy, capitalism, the...
DOGPATCH, KY ---- Kentucky Fried Chicken, more commonly known by the initials FLG (for "finger-lickin' good") claims to be a restaurant that "happens to sell fast food," rather than a fast-food franchise. With nearly 20,000 locations, there's probably one near you unless you live in a country other than the United States, although there are one or two FLGs in such third-world hellholes as the Unit...
LOS ANGELES, CA --- Harrison Ford, 74, isn't much better a pilot than he was an actor. He proved his lack of aviation skills when, in defiance of an air-traffic controller's order to land on John Wayne Airport's Runway "L," he brought his single-engi...
Rock-and-Roll Center, The Big Apple, Baby ---- Due to a variety of factors, including the Internet and a lack of public trust in the media, television news ratings have plummeted in recent years. "I don't want non their fake news," couch potato Im...
ANYTOWN, USA -- At McDonaldo's, if you buy anything other than a 1/4 Pounder, you can go pound sand, as far as the freshness of your order is concerned. "We don't do 'fresh,' when it comes to our hamboogers, cheeseboogers, or Big Macks," CEO Ronaldo...
MAGIC KINGDOM, CA --- In an effort to generate publicity for his soon-to-be-released Beauty's Beast, openly gay director Phil A. Condom admits the film contains a "down and dirty gay moment." LeBoyToy, kiss-ass manservant to manly Gaston, one day...
WHITEWASHINGTON, DC -- In a God-like pronouncement, the US Supreme Court ruled, by a 5-3 vote, that jurors are no longer allowed to deliberate in secret. Now, to prevent "prejudice" and "bias" in trials involving illegal aliens or other "protected...
PORTLAND, ME--Tired of seeing men and women sitting on their asses, peeing on the streets, and pestering hardworking citizens for "spare" change, officials of Portland, Maine, have decided to put the bums to work. City officials have agreed to fun...
THE PENTAGON - Male Marines shared naked photographs of female Marines on a not-so-secret Facebook page. Allegedly, a few of the pictures were taken without the "models'" knowledge or consent. Captions to the photos included "obscene comments...
WHITEWASHINGTON, DC -- Botox devotee, plastic surgery fan, and Senate Minority leader Nancy "Nanny" Pelosi, 76, said she just didn't "know what to say" when she was asked whether she condemned Democratic Representative Cedric Richmond's sexist statem...
Chappaqua, New Yawk--After her "stunning" loss to President Donald Trump, loser Hillary Clinton still doesn't know what the hell happened to her. She conducted an autopsy on her failed election complain, and she still doesn't know what the hell happe...
HOLLYWEIRD, CA--Aging celebrity Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't as photogenic as he used to be-not that the camera ever really loved him all that much, even in his Mr. Universe days. As he's gotten older, he's developed wattles. The fleshly flaps hang...
HURRAY FOR HOLLYWEIRD -- David Boreanaz (pronounced "bore your anus") was born into show business. His father, Dave, was the host of a children's TV show, Drop Zone, on which his then-pregnant wife, travel agent Patsy, gave birth to their son during a commercial break. David has two older sisters, Booby and Breast. Like his siblings, David is of an Italian scent. Despite a degree in filmmaking,...
MAPLE LEAF, CANUCKA - Among the most unhygienic people in the world, Canucks think nothing of using public swimming pools as their personal urinals. A recent study of two pools of different sizes indicated that a 220,000-gallon pool contained...
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