Chappaqua, New Yawk--After her "stunning" loss to President Donald Trump, loser Hillary Clinton still doesn't know what the hell happened to her. She conducted an autopsy on her failed election complain, and she still doesn't know what the hell happened to her. She tried asking her former friends and ex-supporters how such an event could be possible, but they won't return her phone calls, and she still doesn't know what the hell happened to her.
She knows only that whatever the hell happened to her isn't her fault. "I'm not to blame," she told reporter Lotta Lies. "Everyone else is."
Among those who helped her lose the presidential election, she says, are FBI Director James Comely; her husband, former president Bill Clinton; former president Barack Obummer; former first lady Michelle Obummer (nee Michael LaVaughn Robinson); nearly half the American people (the "basket of deplorables" of whom she spoke); and, last but not least, the Electoral College.
Still embittered over her loss, she is slowly recovering from the shock and awe of Trump's campaign. She has gotten treatments for her seizures, gone shopping, had her hair and her nails done, and has gone to a movie and dinner with Bill, between his dates with a couple of his "old flames."
Allegedly, she and Humus Mahmood Abedin have also resumed dating on the down-low. "I could get along well enough without Bill," she told her remaining friend, "but I don't know what I'd do without Humus."
Rumors that she might run for the office of New Yawk's mayor are, "like my political death, greatly exaggerated," she said. "I'm happy being a housewife. I love making cookies."
Still, she admits, she would like to know what the hell happened to her. "If anyone can figure it out, let me know."