DOGPATCH, KY ---- Kentucky Fried Chicken, more commonly known by the initials FLG (for "finger-lickin' good") claims to be a restaurant that "happens to sell fast food," rather than a fast-food franchise. With nearly 20,000 locations, there's probably one near you unless you live in a country other than the United States, although there are one or two FLGs in such third-world hellholes as the United Kingdom, Mexico, China, and Jamaica, mahn.
FLG is a subsidiary of Yuck! Brands, which also owns Pizza the Hutt and Taco Belle.
FLG was founded by Colonel Harland "Hardon" Sanders, a deceased entrepreneur who, despite his death in 1980, still appears in the "restaurant's" television ads. His likeness, which doesn't look much like him now that he's dead, symbolizes the company. "I'm a company man," Sanders bragged, when he was still alive.
The first FLG "restaurant" opened in Dogpatch, Ken-tuck, during the Great Depression, although Rep. Nanny Pelosi confesses she can't see what was so "great" about the Depression "or FLG, either," for that matter.
Since then, FLG has been a liability to several owners, including alcoholics' best friend, Heublein, a "spirits distributor"; R. J. Reynolds, a fags distributor; and Pepsico, a company that sells cocktail mixers.
FLG tried to capture more of the fast-food market by expanding its menu, offering chicken fillet burgers, chicken pot pies, chicken fingers, chicken maggots, and chicken soup. In addition, FLG customers can request that FLG "chefs" cook their entrees in a variety of oils, including sunflower, soybean, rapeseed, and palm oil. Nevertheless, sales remain stagnant, and Yuck! Brands has been unable to unload the "restaurant."
After overcoming a difficult childhood, Sanders was awarded the honorary title of colonel by Governor Goofy Buffoon. At first, it took Sanders 35 minutes to cook a chicken, but, through trial-and-error, after trying a deep-fat fryer, a washing machine, and a blowtorch, he adapted a pressure cooker, which allowed him to cook a chicken in 35 seconds, flat.
This breakthrough allowed Sanders to cook and sell chicken on an assembly-line basis, and he began to accomplish his life's ambition to put a FLG chicken in every American's potbelly.
FLG discontinued its drive-through service after its employees discovered that customers were driving through without buying any meals. "They were using the drive-through as a shortcut," Malcolm Wiener complained, "so the colonel, or whoever, shut it down."
To offset its losses in the competitive fast-food market, FLG is targeting Africa, Asia, Europe, and the Middle East. Executives feel that at least one of these regions is likely to allow at least an FLG "restaurant" to open, and if all four permit a location, FLG will have opened as many additional facilities. "That's more than we've opened in the last decade," Wiener whined.
Although Sanders' "original recipe" is squirreled away in a safe, customers say FLG's "special spice" is no secret. "It's Ac'cent," Polly Tree said. (Ac'cent is better known as monosodium glutamate.)
FLG has been criticized for its use of human growth hormones and antibiotics and for serving chickens with seven wings, six legs, and demon's horns.