PORTLAND, ME--Tired of seeing men and women sitting on their asses, peeing on the streets, and pestering hardworking citizens for "spare" change, officials of Portland, Maine, have decided to put the bums to work.
City officials have agreed to fund a program, with taxpayers' hard-earned money, to employ panhandlers and other ne'er-do-well individuals, offering them $10.68 an hour to perform "light labor," such as picking up litter in city parks and cleaning up after themselves and one another.
Although Portland officials tried to ban panhandling, courts ruled their actions "unconstitutional." The judges, all of whom are Democrat appointees, couldn't specify the article or section of the Constitution that prohibits panhandling, but they agreed, "It's in there somewhere, and, if it isn't, it ought to be."
One homeless man, Bob Anderson, who asked to remain anonymous, told reporter Lotta Lies, "I doan wanna hand up; I wanna hand out."
Asked whether he would accept one of the city's jobs, he answered, "Hell, no. I wouldn't work for no city that would hire someone like me."
Undaunted by such attitudes, the city plans to move forward with its Jobs For Panhandlers project. "Our constituents demand something be done," City Councilwoman Venus Fly-Trapp said. "They're tired of seeing homeless people relieving themselves on the street and sleeping in their own body waste.
"If I see one more bum shit himself, I'm closing my doors for good," threatened Melissa Banks, owner of Banks Beauty Shop.
"And if them clowns on the city council pass they program, I's leaving the country," Anderson vowed, "right long with all them celebrities that left after Trump was elected president."