Hollyweird's Weirdest: David Boreanaz

Written by Gee Pee

Friday, 3 March 2017

HURRAY FOR HOLLYWEIRD -- David Boreanaz (pronounced "bore your anus") was born into show business. His father, Dave, was the host of a children's TV show, Drop Zone, on which his then-pregnant wife, travel agent Patsy, gave birth to their son during a commercial break. David has two older sisters, Booby and Breast. Like his siblings, David is of an Italian scent.

Despite a degree in filmmaking, Boreanaz was unable to obtain work in Hollywood, after he moved to La La Land, and he had to sleep with his sister (which one is unclear). What work he managed to secure was uncredited: an extra, a grip, and a production assistant to the assistant production assistant twice removed. Finally, he won a role as Kelly's boyfriend, who is beaten up by her father, Al Bundy, of Marriage with Children. His star had risen.

His next role, as Angel on Buff the Vampire Layer, was that of an on-again, off-again vampire with and without a soul. Next, he starred as Angel on a Buff the Vampire Layer spin-off called Angel, playing an on-again, off-again vampire with and without a soul.

Currently, on the crime procedural Bones, he plays Special Agent Seeley Booth, although Borenanz admits, "he's not all that special." Booth, in fact, plays second fiddle to the series' star, forensic anthropologist Temperance "Bones" Brennan. Although the show sometimes suggests necrophilia, Borenanaz said he and his co-star, Emily Deschanel, "have never gone that far." Boreanaz's addition to the show's cast inspired its "Angelatron" holographic projector, which is used to introduce material too ludicrous to be filmed otherwise.

The award Boreanaz is most proud of, he said, is his rank as ButtBuddyTV's 13th Sexiest Man of 2010.

Although he was raised Catholic and attended parochial schools, his religious instruction didn't seem to "take," as, despite the fact that he's married to drop-dead-gorgeous former Playboy Playmate, Jaime Bergman, Boreanaz had an affair with nightclub hostess Rachel Uchitel and golfer Tiger Woods--and he did so while Bergman was pregnant with his child. Boreanaz admits he has a "strong working relationship" with his "friend," Deschanel.

"I'm keeping an eye on them," Bergman said.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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