Mountain Dew: "it'll tickle yore innards"

Written by Gee Pee

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

image for Mountain Dew: "it'll tickle yore innards"
Young Leo Burnett, after drinking three Mountain Dews in one day

LANSING, MI --- Most of us have drunk a bottle or two of Mountain Dew. As we sipped the frosty green beverage, we probably never worried about it. After 7,200 gallons of the drink's concentrated syrup flooded the internal sewers of a Pepsico bottling plant in Livingston, Michigan, causing concern for aquatic life in nearby rivers, lakes, and streams, we may never be able to knock back another bottle without wondering what effect the soft drink may have on our own interior environments.

According to a state environmental expert, the flood of Mountain Dew could have a "toxic effect" on organisms living in or near natural bodies of water. The spill created a huge "foaming event," Michigan officials whined.

Local residents report seeing strange, green fish with "extra fins," gigantic green frogs with three heads, green eels measuring twelve feet in length, green tadpoles as big as Godzilla's sperm, and green dragonflies the size of drones.

Spokesperson Faith Fullem-Ploy Yee said there is "no cause for alarm." The great green gobs of foamy sewage is "the same thing you've been drinking for years."

Mostly, residents of fly-over states drink Mountain Dew. The more urbane people on either of the country's coasts prefer coke to Pepsico products. However, Mountain Dew is a favorite among Kentuckians, Indianians, Wyomingites, and other Midwesterners, who lack more sophisticated palates.

"If you're from New York, Washington, Miami, San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco, or Seattle, you're probably okay," Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Gina McCarthy speculated, "but no one else should make any long-term plans."

Conspiracy theorists claim the "spill" was intentional and is intended to "cull Midwesterners" so that "the beautiful people" can inherit the country. Instead of farmers and other hicks, the elite of the land want to have unpopulated countryside so the continent's interior can become "their backyard." "Mountain Dew is how they plan to do it."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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