1. Aleppo is (a) Irish slang for a leprechaun, (b) a cross between a hippo and a leopard, (c) a lesbian hippo. 2. Manchuria is (a) a curious man, (b) an original manuscript in Spanish about a deluded old man tilting at windmills, (c) a Mexican dish of spicy food, made from roadkill. 3. Brexit is (a) shorthand for "you break it you buy it," (b) shorthand for the the title of a 1964 book by Hu...
Pursuant to a F.O.I.A. (Freedom Of Information Act) request, the federal government today released the results of Trump's application for U.S. Citizenship: 1. Do the U.S. Constitution and its amendments guarantee freedom of religion? ___ Yes ___ No Not for muslims(who are all terrorists) or for presidents who are born in Nigeria. Or Kenya. Whatever. 2. The government of the United Stat...
Associated Press, August 13, 2016: At a campaign rally today, republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said that Elvis Presley was to blame for the 1970's. "You want to know who was responsible for the 70's," Trump told his supporters, "it...
Associated Press, June 18, 2032: Donald Trump today disputed the results of his own autopsy. "I do not suffer from Whinorrhea," he stated. Trump insisted that President Clinton had tampered with the results, and claimed that he had seen televisio...
Associated Press, June 17, 2032: An autopsy of the real estate mogul and former presidential candidate revealed that he had suffered from a growth on the cerebral cortex that impaired his ability to self-censor, increased his impulsiveness and limite...
"Who the hell does He think he is, telling me to love my neighbor as myself? I don't need His advice, my neighbors all love me already. They think I'm terrific, they worship me. "And where does He get off, telling me to turn the other cheek. When someone insults me they better run for the hills, before I let them have it, on both cheeks, and kick them in the ass, too. "I don't think...
[A press briefing inside the Capital rotunda. A reporter from Fox News asks a question:] "Senator McConnell! Why are there tanks and troops surrounding the Capitol? Are we at war?" "No, nothing like that. The President has called out units of the 3rd infantry from Fort Myer for a training exercise, that's all." [Reporter from CNN:] "Senator, our sources say that the troops are here...
[A White House press briefing. Chris Christie, former governor of New Jersey, is finishing up:] ". . . and so, the President had no choice but to fire his entire cabinet. Okay, questions?" [Reporter from CNN:] "Governor, the word on the street is that the President fired his cabinet because they refused to sign along to 'Hail to the Chief' at the beginning of cabinet meetings. Is that tr...
[Vice-President Palin, in an exclusive interview with Megyn Kelly:] "Well of course I was surprised, silly, when I got the call from Donald's team to serve as number two! I mean, it's not every day that a girl is asked to be a heartbeat away from being the most powerful man on the planet, and it him being seventy and all, it makes you think, you know?" "Madam Vice-President, the word on the...
[President Trump, in an exclusive interview with Megyn Kelly:] "I admit, I was a little put out when the former speaker said that Ted Cruz was Satan incarnate, or something like that. I mean, what, me versus the cuban with the funny face? If anyone should be compared to Satan, and I mean in a good way, the best way, it's me." [Satan speaking at press conference at Yale Divinity School:] "...
need to impeach Justice Sotomayor because shes mex and cannot be impartial in ruling on my immigration plan. #POTUSTRUMP [Senator Mitch McConnell, former senate majority leader, and Representative Paul Ryan, former speaker of the house, address reporters at a press conference:] ". . . and so I condemn the suggestion in the President's tweet that Justice Sotomayor should recuse herself from r...
"Hi, I'm Bernie Sanders, you can call me Bernie. So, I've got several models here that might interest you, but first, tell me what you can afford. Thirteen thousand dollars? For a new car? I don't think so. A new all-electric vehicle would cost a lot more than that. I have a used Prius on the lot and I think I can talk my manager down to letting it go for thirteen five. But you gotta be careful wi...
[President Trump, speaking at a press conference in the White House Rose Garden:] ". . . at this very moment, I'm signing an executive order - where's that pen, anyone got a pen? - assigning the construction of the wall on our southern border to Lo Fat Construction Co. of Taiwan." [A reporter from CNN:] "Why is the work going to a foreign construction company instead of one here at home?"...
[Donald Trump confers with his chief political advisor Michael Glassner, on the selection of a running mate:] MG (sorting through stack of resumes): What about this republican governor in Maine, LePage? DT: No one's ever heard of Maine. Next choice? MG: How about Silvio Berlusconi? DT: Isn't he in jail? Never mind. He's more outrageous than I am, he'd steal attention away from m...
Associated Press, April 1, 2016. Donald Trump today promised liberals that, if - no, when - he is elected president, they will not need to move to Canada, because he will live offshore. "I promise you that when I am President, I will not live in...
At a press conference in Snohomish, WA, the self-described "alphabet capital of the world," the letter I (pronounced "eye") announced that presidential candidate Donald Trump would receive the 2015-2016 award for most use of an important letter as a...
Dear Vlad, Thank you very much for your letter. I wish my Russian was as good as your English! You're doing a terrific job over there, making Russia huge again. A piece of Ukraine here, a piece there. By the way, nice job in Syria! Thanks also for the advice, and let me return the favor. There's no reason why you should let sanctions and low oil prices deflate your country's economy. I...
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