Associated Press, August 13, 2016: At a campaign rally today, republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said that Elvis Presley was to blame for the 1970's.
"You want to know who was responsible for the 70's," Trump told his supporters, "it was that guy with the goofy hair who had some kind of spastic hips."
Disability rights advocates immediately issued rebukes for Trump's callous disregard for the millions of Americans with bum hips. Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton pointed out that Trump's hair looks just like Elvis' pompadour.
Trump went on to blame Mickey Mouse for his recent drop in the polls.
"That mouse was born in Kenya," he asserted, "just like Obama. I mean, look at the resemblance!"
Trump also predicted that if he lost the election in November, it would be because H.A.L. - the rogue computer in the film 2001 - had taken control of all the polling places in the U.S.
"I'm sorry Dave," he mimicked, "I can't let you back in."
In the fourth hour of his speech, Trump said that he had received endorsements from both Lord Voldemort and Albus Dumbledore; Voldemort did not return calls but Dumbledore's publicist issued an immediate denial.