"Who the hell does He think he is, telling me to love my neighbor as myself? I don't need His advice, my neighbors all love me already. They think I'm terrific, they worship me.
"And where does He get off, telling me to turn the other cheek. When someone insults me they better run for the hills, before I let them have it, on both cheeks, and kick them in the ass, too.
"I don't think much of his track record, either. I mean, what did He accomplish? He kicked the money lenders out of the temple, which only goes to show that He was anti-business. And they were back in the temple the next day, anyway. He healed a few cripples, big deal. It's not as if He made any money out of it. I've healed thousands of cripples, and I made a fortune doing it.
"He preached that 'blessed are the poor.' What kind of crazy message is that? Poor people are not what I would call a good role model, they're just losers.
"His only claim to fame is that He got crucified by the Romans. It's like McCain being a hero because he got captured by the Vietnamese. Losers, both of them. I don't like losers, I like winners. Pontius Pilate was a winner: he and I could have done some business together.
"Let me set you straight on one thing: He didn't die for my sins, because I don't have any! And you know what that means, don't you? It means that I get to throw the first stone!