Would You Buy a Car From This Nominee?

Funny story written by Philip J. Moss

Thursday, 9 June 2016

"Hi, I'm Bernie Sanders, you can call me Bernie. So, I've got several models here that might interest you, but first, tell me what you can afford. Thirteen thousand dollars? For a new car? I don't think so. A new all-electric vehicle would cost a lot more than that. I have a used Prius on the lot and I think I can talk my manager down to letting it go for thirteen five. But you gotta be careful with him. He'll try to get you to buy all kinds of things that you don't really need, just to jack up the dealership's profits, like additional undercoating, rustproofing, a better sound system. What are you going to be using the car for? Mostly commuting. Have you thought about getting a bicycle? It would be a whole lot better for you and for the environment, and would save you a whole lot of money as well."

"HI, I'm Hillary, and I want to be your salesperson. Did you know that the average commission for women in sales positions is only 79% of the commissions that men earn? So, is this car going to be driven primarily by you, Ms. Bilgebottom, or your husband? I see. And will it be driven entirely in the Northeast,where the roads are salted every winter, or will it spend the winters in Florida? I see. And will you favor an increase in the gas tax to pay for repairs to the crumbling roads and bridges that might present a hazard to you and your - how many grandchildren did you say you have? Uh huh. Have you considered the impact that your purchase will have on the local economy here?"

"Hey, I'm here to do you a favor. I don't need to be here, I got plenty of money. I just do this as sort of community service, you know? To give back something. I'm letting you have the benefit of my expertise, and I mean I am an expert. I got testimonials from customers you wouldn't believe, but I can't release them, you know? Privacy, and all that sh*t. Oh yeah, a car. How much you got? I mean, one thing I know, you've got to go for quality. Come on, I know you got more tha

n that. What about you cash in your life insurance? Once you're dead, what do you care, anyway? Okay, I'm gonna get you the best deal in the world. I'm gonna get you a car worth twice that! I'm gonna get you a car that will make you the envy of of every one of your neighbors. I know a Saudi prince that would kill for the car I'm gonna get you. And the broads? You'll be swimming in broads, they . . . What's that, you love your wife? What a loser. Why am I wasting time with losers?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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