Trump's First Day in Office

Funny story written by Philip J. Moss

Thursday, 9 June 2016

[President Trump, speaking at a press conference in the White House Rose Garden:] ". . . at this very moment, I'm signing an executive order - where's that pen, anyone got a pen? - assigning the construction of the wall on our southern border to Lo Fat Construction Co. of Taiwan."

[A reporter from CNN:] "Why is the work going to a foreign construction company instead of one here at home?"

"Because the Chinese have a lot of experience in building walls, they built a great one, and you never hear the liberal media criticizing China for doing that."

"But Mr. President, China doesn't recognize the sovereignty of Taiwan, so won't this simply anger the Chinese government?"

"They will if they want to continue lending us money. You know the saying, 'If you owe a million dollars the bank owns you but if you owe a billion, you own the bank'? I invented that saying. The Chinese hold over a trillion dollars of our treasury notes. Where are they going to be if we simply refuse to pay, huh? Up a creek, that's where."

"Are you seriously suggesting that our government should use the threat of defaulting on our debt as part of its diplomacy?"

"I don't have a problem with that. Who's next?

[A reporter from Fox News:] "Where is the money to pay for constructing the wall going to come from? Do you still claim that you're going to get Mexico to pay for it?"

"Yes I'm going to speak to the Mexican President right after this news conference, and I'm going to lay it on the line with him, that if he wants us to continue to buy drugs from his people he's got to pay his fair share of the wall."

"Does that mean that you're going to try and get Congress to legalize drugs?"

"Why the hell not? It's a business just like any other business, and if there's one thing I'm good at, it's business. I'll bet you that I can triple the volume of the drug trade with Mexico in my first year in office. It's all about people, you've got to put the right person in charge, and I know just the right person. Gimme that pen back. I'm signing a pardon for that guy Guzman, the one they call El Chapo, and I'm appointing him as our new drug czar."

"Do you really think that Congress will go along with that?"

"If they don't they're a bunch of losers. It's time for them to man up. The American people are behind me, all the way, and they're sick and tired of Washington insiders who get nothing done."

[A reporter from the BBC:] "Mr. President, you only won 31% of the popular vote, compared to Hillary Clinton's 43%. The only reason that you became president is that Bernie Sanders' supporters refused to turn out, and the electoral college deadlocked, throwing the contest into the House of Representatives which was controlled by the republicans. So how can you say that the American people are behind you?"

"I didn't mean that literally, you limey nit-wit. 'Behind me,' meaning in the past. I won't need their support again for another four years, and by then they won't remember or care about anything I say or do for the next three and a half years."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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