BILLINGSGATE POST: Elmer Smuckmeister had grown lonesome in the saddle since his horse died. The widows of Beaver Crossing, Nebraska; the ones who still had teeth, had long ago decided that Elmer, despite his extra-large bank account, was an incurab…
BILLINGSGATE POST: Elmer Smuckmeister from Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, had a poultry problem. His free range chickens were being run down by speeding cars. What was once a quiet rural road with few cars, now has heavy traffic whizzing by at high spee…
BILLINGSGATE POST: Elmer Smuckmeister, the conscience of Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, thought he had seen it all. A rector in the Beaver Crossing Unity Church, Elmer was not perfect. To the contrary: Just lately, during a snow storm, he had dressed u…
BILLINGSGATE POST: Elmer Smuckmeister thought he had seen everything Beaver Crossing had to offer: From cow pie-tossing contests to the unveiling, in the town square, of a 100-foot monument to the Unknown Beaver (which some of the local pinch mouths…
BILLINGSGATE POST: There’s nothing like a good duck story to start the New Year. And nobody tells a duck story better than Elmer Smuckmeister, the most famous resident of Beaver Crossing, Nebraska. He swears it happened. It was duck season in Neb…
BILLINGSGATE POST: Who would dare defy the God of Wolves? A self-styled demon himself, Wolfman Jack patterned himself after Fenrir, a monstrous wolf of Norse mythology. Fenrir was the issue of the demoniac god Loki and an Amazonian giantess named…
BILLINGSGATE POST: Who would have thought that a chance encounter between a Jack Russell Terrier and a Blue Heeler would produce JoJo? Terriers are typically small, wiry, game and fearless, while Blue Heelers are herders, known for their quirky pen...
BILLINGSGATE POST: It is not a good time to be seen riding a bronze horse in a city park, or to be a statue of Columbus. Nor is it a good time to be taking a crap in an outhouse in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska. As always, timing is everything.
BILLINGSGATE POST: It didn’t have to be this way. But Elmer Smuckmeister finally gave in to his inner-self. After years of trying to court the available ladies in Beaver Crossing, he threw in the towel. Elmer got down on one knee and proposed to L...
BILLINGSGATE POST: Here we go again. Elmer Smuckmeister of Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, is at once more. He claims, that because of the Coronavirus scare, he washes his hands at least 60 times a day. “The other day, he related, “I looked at my palm...
BILLINGSGATE POST: A mad genius? Perhaps. Elmer Smuckmeister, a retired farmer and bon vivant, who made and lost fortunes by thinking outside the envelope, was the first to purchase a scooter franchise in the early days of this revolutionary transp...
BILLINGSGATE POST: In a special to be aired on prime time TV next Sunday, Elmer Smuckmeister will go up against Manchester United football icon, Harry Maguire, in a cow pie throwing contest. With the Coronavirus pandemic virtually shutting down al...
BILLINGSGATE POST: Elmer Smuckmeister was not your typical 80-year-old geezer. He was born at night, but not last night. Over the years, he hadn’t had much luck in his love life. There wasn’t much to choose from in his hometown of Beaver Crossing,...
BILLINGSGATE POST: When Elmer Smuckmeister heard that the Mayor of Beaver Crossing was making social distancing mandatory in this small farm town in Nebraska, the corners of his pie hole turned upwards. Elmer was not fond of the usual courtesies...
BILLINGSGATE POST: When in doubt, don’t say it. Elmer Smuckmeister, a retired farmer living in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, now knows the Law of Unintended Consequences has consequences. Elmer was a hog farmer. He knew nothing about social nicet...
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