Jokes

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All jokes submitted by j.w..

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How to Avoid that Wedding

If you have received a Wedding Invitation to the marriage of Will Kate, here are a few tips on how to diplomatically refuse the kind invitation....

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Wise sayings explained

Mind your Ps and Qs...

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Leisure Complex

I went to our local Leisure Complex and I got lost...

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The Bottom Line

A beautiful bum in America....

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Upright Policeman

The newest recruit to become an under the covers spy on environmental activits is P.C. 69. PC normally means politically correct but in this instance it is part of...

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Turning

You turn if you want to - Mrs Thatcher to Nick Clegg The Ladies not fortuning - Mystic Meg when indisposed Are you turning? - Frustrated motorist at Lib/Dem driver...

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Arrested

Drunk man when arrested: Its mish taken high density! Itch not me! Woman at Hospital Im looking for my man. Where is he? Axe in Gent and He Gent see Sounds like...

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More Christmas Crackers

Q Why do cows lie down in the rain? A To keep each udder dry. Q What did the Liberal Democrat cow say to the Tory cow who told him that Vince Cable was Rupert Murdochs...

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Any Excuse

My mother used to tell me: Any excuse is better than none. I have doubts about this, having tried it in court a number of times. A Judge asked me why I stole things. I...

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Higher Things

The Christmas break gives us the chance to think of higher things. Like the great Chinese sage Lao Tse who guided his people with the philosophy of NOTHING. The contemplation...

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Christmas Crackers

Q What do you call a train made out of toffee? A Chew chew Q What is a ghosts favourite food? A Ghoulash Q What does a ghost like to drink? A Spirits Q What goes up but...

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One two three

One two three Mother caught a flea Put in the teapot Had to have a pee Father shouts Somethins amiss This tea he said tastes like piss! He threw it in my mothers face Oh Dear!...

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The Wrong Phone Call

I was on tenterhooks waiting for a phone call to tell me whether I had the job or not. But my girl friend was, for the moment, more important. We were approaching the point of no return when the phone...

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Pope's Thought for the Day

I have been leaked the transcript of the Popes Thought for the Day to be broadcast on Radio 4 on Christmas Eve. I thought you might like this exclusive preview. I shall celebrate the message of Christmas...

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Carols for Christmas

Im dreaming of a Green Christmas Just like the ones we used to have No sleigh bells ringing No carol singing Saying goodbye to all this snow Good King Whatanarse Once set out Upon the feast of Stephen When...

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The Web

How does the spider know where to find food? On the net, of course!...

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How I Became Famous

I fished out the piece of paper from my pocket to read my Poem to the great assemblage. Too late I realised it was the shopping list from last week: Porridge Coffee Milk Bread Bacon Rhubarb And so it went...

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Drip

Man noticing drip at the end of a womans nose Mind that drip, madam Thats not a drip. Its my husband!...

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Police on Pot

Police on Pot call in black...

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Wedding poem for Kate & Will

The Poet Laureate has written...

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Wage increase for Spoof writers

The miserable news coming from all sides means it is more difficult to find anything funny to write. After negotiations with Higher Authority readers will be pleased to know that...

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Sexy Shakespeare

Two men in Pub. Have you heard about these sexy Shags Spear DVDs? Shagspeare. Did he write sexy plays? Ill say. Theres The Temptress. Shell get the wind in your sails! Then Roll...

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Absolute Disgrace

A film about women in Dagenham is a fucking disgrace. What these fucking film makers think they are doing I dont fucking know. Im fucked if I,m going to have my fucking thirteen year old daughter listening...

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Farting 'A Threat to the World'

The exhaust fumes from farting have been established as the cause of Climate Change. Top scientists have discovered this amazing fact after a study which...

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Showing page 6 (of 9 pages)
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