"Macho Man" Randy Savage - My Fake Diary
Monday, 8 December 2003
OOOOOOoooohhh YEAHHHH!!! The Macho Man is back, brutha! I lost my diary a couple weeks ago and I just found it in the bottom of my clothes hamper wrapped up in one of my old sequined capes. I shouldn't have fired my cleaning lady, I guess, BUT SHE WAS SNOOPING AROUND IN THE MACHO MAN'S UNDERWEAR DRAWER!!!! STAY OUTTA THERE, BRUTHA!!!!
Anyway, let me recap for you a memorable Thanksgiving at Macho Mansion, ooooh yeah. I invited over a lot of my old buddies from the glory days, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase, Jake the Snake, The Honky Tonk Man, Kamala the Ugundan Giant, and Tito Santana. I sent out an invitation to Ravishing Rick Rude as well but his widow called back to tearfully inform me that he passed on a few years ago, ooooh yeah, bummer.
Well let me tell you the boys showed up and I ordered a feast from a local caterer run by an Italian guy named Chef Ralphie Stugots. Well we all sat down at the Macho Man's huge dinner table, the one with my face carved into the top and "Oooooh yeah!" spelled out in gold. Chef Ralphie and his crew served us the appetizers and let me tell you they were delicious, oooh yeah, antipasto and bruschetta that'll curl your toes, DIG IT!!! Well we finished with the appetizers and we were all quite pleased so far and then Chef Ralphie wheeled out the BIGGEST TURKEY YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE, OOOOOH YEAH!!!!
Well let me tell you he carved that bird up and served it all around. Kamala was the first to take a bite, oooh yeah because he loves his food, and a funny look came over his face. He looked at Chef Ralphie and cried, "This turkey is dry as a bone!!!" I tasted the bird myself and realized Kamala was dead right, as did the other guys around the table. So I got good and mad, oooh yeah, and stood up and pointed my finger at Chef Ralphie and said, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU DISRESPECT THE MACHO MAN'S HOME AND THE MACHO MAN'S GUESTS BY SERVING US THIS CRAP?!"
Well Chef Ralphie went pale and started stuttering an apology, but you should all know by now that it was too late for apologies to the Macho Man, ooooh yeah. I turned my chair over and headed straight for Chef Ralphie, who tried to run. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! HE THOUGHT HE COULD OUTRUN THE CHEETAH-LIKE SPEED OF THE MACHO MAN!! So I ran after him around the table and Jake the Snake stood up and extended his arm as Chef Ralphie came around and gave him a powerful clothesline, ooooh yeah. Well I picked him up and got him and a vice-like headlock. Then I turned to my guests, who were getting excited at the prospect of a beating, and I said, "BOYS! I'M A GRACIOUS HOST, SO I'M GONNA LET YOU GUYS BEAT ON THIS LITTLE PUKE!"
Well let me tell you what ensued was not pretty. Jake the Snake delivered a DDT, Kamala splashed his 400-pound body on top of Chef Ralphie, and so on. All the boys got their lashes and signature moves in. Then, after the dust had cleared and Chef Ralphie lay on the floor with the turkey on his head, the boys called me out, ooooh yeah. They started chanting, "Elbow drop! Elbow drop! Elbow drop!" Well let me tell you, what kind of host would I be if I didn't cater to my guests? So I grabbed two chairs and got up on the table, ooooh yeah. Then I stacked one chair on top of the other and climbed to the very top, oooh yeah. And then, with the boys cheering and whistling ... I UNLEASHED THAT ELBOW DROP RIGHT INTO THE TURKEY WHERE HIS HEAD WAS UNDERNEATH, OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHH!!!
Needless to say, when I landed I heard some bones snap. I don't know if it was the turkey, or Chef Ralphie's skull, but either way me and the boys were satisfied. After we threatened the chef's crew to keep quiet we ate the rest of the food and drank Miller High Life and told tales of the old days. It was one of the best Thanksgivings ever. DIG IT!!!!
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