"Macho Man" Randy Savage - My Fake Diary

Friday, 21 November 2003

Ooooh yeah, the Macho Man got set up on a blind date last night, and let me tell you, it did not go so well.

So my good friend from the old WWF days, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, said he knew a broad who would be perfect for the Macho Man and that I should check her out. I told him that I wasn't sure, that I might not be ready after the tragic death of Miss Elizabeth, ooooh yeah. But he convinced me to do it, said I have to get out of the house once in a while so I agreed.

Well we decided to meet at a restaurant because for some reason she didn't want me to know where she lived. So I picked a Chinese buffet and told her that I would be waiting for her and that I would be wearing yellow and orange tights with a cowboy hat that says "Macho Man" on it, ooooh yeah, my sharpest outfit!

Well I sat at the restaurant for quite a while and she finally shows up AN HOUR AND A HALF LATE!!! YOU DON'T LEAVE THE MACHO MAN WAITING IN THE WINGS, BRUTHA!!!! But this turned out to be a very pretty lady so I let it slide. Her name is Alex, which is a man's name so I was a little threatened by that but that's ok because the Macho Man is secure in his masculinity, ooooh yeah.

Well I greeted her and pulled her chair out for her like a gentleman and sat down to talk to her. She told me she was an accountant, like that scumbag Irwin R. Schyster, and that she was born in Russia, like that scumbag Nikolai Volkoff. I told her I just released my first album Be a Man and she didn't seem too impressed. So obviously we got off to a bad start right away, ooooh yeah.

So the waiter came and told us to help ourselves. Now the Macho Man isn't used to serving himself at the Chinese buffet, I usually order one of the waiters to do it and threaten him with a headlock, but this time I wanted to act proper for the lady, oooh yeah. So we headed up to the buffet and I started loading a plate up with my favorite General Tso's chicken. EXTRA SPICY, BRUTHA!!!!! Well what should happen but some puke comes up to me and says, "Ain't you the Macho Man? You suck! Hogan whipped your butt!" Well you know there's only so much a man can take, ooooh yeah, so I turned to Alex and said, "Pardon me for a second, Missy" and turned back around to face this punk.

Well let me tell you I pointed my finger in his face and said, "BRUTHA! YOU'D BETTER LEAVE THE MACHO MAN ALONE BECAUSE I'M OUT ON A DATE WITH THIS LOVELY LADY AND DON'T WANT TO BE DISTURBED BY THE LIKES OF YOU! DIG IT!!!!!" Well what does this PUKE say? "No wonder Miss Elizabeth divorced you." THAT DID IT! NOBODY GOES THERE!! THAT'S THE SOREST OF ALL SUBJECTS WITH THE MACHO MAN!!!!

So I grabbed the punk by his shirt collar and lifted him into the air and brought him crashing down to the floor with a killer chokeslam, oooh yeah. Alex put her hand on my shoulder and begged for me to stop but in my rage I pushed her to the ground and she started crying. So as the punk slowly got up and tried to use a booth for support I took my plate of General Tso's chicken, oooh yeah, and climbed to the very top of the buffet, right over the sneeze-guard. THEN I FLEW OFF THE TOP AND BLASTED THAT PLATE RIGHT OVER HIS STUPID NOGGIN, BRUTHA!!! OOOOOOOOOOHHHH YEAHHHHH!!!!!

Needless to say that delicious chicken went everywhere and the punk lay on the floor unconscious, oooh yeah. Then I was swarmed by a half dozen Chinese guys who pushed me out towards the exit. My business there was done anyway, ooooh yeah.

I think Alex stayed behind and rode with that guy to the emergency room. I've tried calling her a couple of times but she never answers, oooh yeah. Oh well, there are plenty more fish in the sea for the Macho Man, and I have the bait to catch 'em all. DIG IT!!!