Jeremy Beadle - My Fake Diary

Wednesday, 9 July 2003

Hi readers. Sorry I haven't written anything for a couple of days now, I've been in hospital, visiting my mum. She died last night, all rather sad, but she told me not to be upset and instructed that I should come back and report on the last wheeze I pulled with her on the ward. It was all her own idea, God rest her soul. If humour was genetic, I've definately got her genes. Dad was always complaining about this and that, I never saw him smiling, no matter how hard I tried he'd think of other's welfare before laughing at their misfortune. A bit like Jeremy Jnr. in that respect.

Anyway, in the hospital mum was connected to one of those heart monitor jobbies, you know, the ones that beep and pip all the time. Well, two nights ago she told me to remove one of the electrodes from her chest to make the machine register nothing. A nurse rushed over to assess the situation and hit this button thing on the wall and shouted "Crash-team" down the corridor. Along they came, running and pushing this clanky metal trolley. When they stopped my mum sat bolt upright and said to the senior doctor, "What are you doing? I'm not dead yet sonny!"

One of the guys in the crash-team had begun to charge up the electrocuting machine thing, he got such a fright that he electrocuted one of the nurses with it! She dropped to the floor and they saved her life there and then. It was an impressive sight to see, I take my hat off to the lovely people who work for the NHS, they do a fantastic job.

Oh what a joker she was! It brings a tear to my eye thinking about all my childhood memories of my mum. She was just the best. I have to arrange her funeral now, she's given me a list of a couple of things she wanted. I remember one of the things she said to me when she was in hospital, "Jeremy," she said, "You can't spell fun without funeral". She was a bit confused at the time, but I knew what she meant.

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