Jeremy Beadle - My Fake Diary

Monday, 30 June 2003

I can't believe they replaced me with that fat cow Lisa Riley as the You've Been Framed presenter. Did you know she's only 27? 27 stone maybe, can that girl get any bigger?! I tell you, I feel sorry for that sofa, I really do.

I had to leave the show to help bring up my son, Jeremy Junior. He's a really good lad, it's a bit of a disappointment really, he's just too honest to be a top class prankster like me, but I still love him all the same.

It was his sportsday at school today and I went to watch and give him some support, and not just cheering!

Jerry's event was the long-jump, it was only him versus some other lad, it's quite a small school. So anyway, before the events began the Headmistress gave a little talk to all the children and parents. Oh boy, I would've loved to have been there, that Headmistress is so very sexy, but I'm a married man so it's probably best I wasn't there.

While the talk was in progress, I quickly made my move to the long-jump sand pit. I carefully dug away some of the sand with my hands and placed a small "land mine" in the hole, and very carefully covered it over with sand again and raked it all back neatly.

The long jump wasn't due to commence till 11 o'clock, so I slipped back into the group and got myself the perfect alibi talking to another boy's dad about the Headmistress' speech, and also her chest. I watched the discuss and 100m race with a grin on my face and glint in my eye. I wasn't really paying attention to the events, just imagining my boy, my own son, winning the long jump. Wonderful!

11 o'clock came and a teacher announced through a megaphone that the long jump was due to start, at least I presume that's what he said, megaphones never work properly, do they.

I meandered over to the pit with the other parents to watch. The first boy launched himself into a full on sprint down the runway towards the sand pit. I was so excited it was as if he was running in slow motion, his jump through the air seemed to last for minutes. Oh, but then, oh! KABOOM! Oh you should've seen the carnage, sand flew everywhere, the boy was propelled eight meters into the air and landed bloody and bruised on the crashmat for the high-jump. It was amazingly funny, I almost killed myself trying to contain the laughter, I didn't want to give the game away and spoil Jerry's chances of winning Gold.

Jerry didn't have to do the jump, he won by default. The stupid boy only forefitted his prize though didn't he, and gave it to the other boy! See what I mean about him being too nice? The stupid boy!

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