Jeremy Beadle - My Fake Diary

Tuesday, 1 July 2003

I had to attend a Charity Event today. Boring or what? Well, you may think this but I had a few tasteful and tasty treats up my sleeve for today I can tell you. The pranks I pulled were fairly basic, but when you're doing japes on old women who run these sorts of charity events, well, you have to cater for your audience I guess. I wouldn't want to go killing one of the old dears, but it is amazing just what you can live through!

I set up my first jape before the whole show began. I had taken along a can of fake dog poo, and I sprayed it liberally on the floor around the speaker's podium. This is good quality dog poo, none of your plastic Taiwanese rubbish. This looks, feels and smells real, and it just squirts straight from the can, it's wonderful stuff.

It was a sight to behold when one of the old dears noticed the whoopsies all over the stage. The look of horror and panic on her face was amazing to see, it gave me such a warm feeling inside my whole week was fulfilled in that single moment. She frantically beckoned for help, and soon several old dears armed with masses of toilet tissue were down on their knees scrubbing the deck. I had to keep reminding myself I was a married man.

Soon the fun was over and it was time for me to perform like a dog for these old ladies. Sometimes I enjoy being a sought after celebrity, the attention can be quite good, especially when I get paid for it. But presenting <quote>hillarious<un-quote> oversized cheques again and again for nothing, the novelty soon wears off. Sometimes I need to play my pranks just to keep my sanity, and being renowned for my japes is good because it means I can get away with the little things.

I presented the cheque to some woman and shook her hand. My hand fell right off (it was one of those fake severed ones), much to the shock and horror of the woman receiving the cheque. She screamed and jumped up and down and threw the cheque into the audience, scratching a woman's cheek. Oh it was hillarious.

After the raucous had settled down, it was time for my next trick. I shook the hand of the president of this charity, I forget his name, some old chap, nice bloke. Anyway, I was wearing one of those electric buzzers on my hand, gave the fella a right shock. He said he was having a heart attack, so we called an ambulance and he was whisked away.

That was the end of the day for me. I must remember to send that man a get well card.

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