Jeremy Beadle - My Fake Diary

Thursday, 26 June 2003

I had a fantastic dream the other day. It was so vivid, if I was any older I swear I would've wet myself it was that good. It was such an amazing prank, I couldn't believe I thought of it in my sleep. It just proves how good I am. I had some free time today and decided it was a good time to go and perform this jolly jape.

I had to take Sue, my wife, into town, she had a hairdresser's appointment. Normally I'd go with her, oh the fun to be had at the hairdressers, but this was more important. Also, Sue's been banned from nearly every hairdresser's in the area and I don't want the hassle and earache by getting her banned her from another. I'm especially proud of the time I managed to sabotage that piece of equipment that looks like an upturned bowl on a stand which women put their heads in. I dunno what it does, but after I'd finished with it it dyed their hair blue! Oh, I wish I could've kept that CCTV footage, they caught the whole thing on camera. Thankfully the court injunction's been lifted now, but it made the judge laugh so it was worth doing if just for that.

Anyway, I dropped Sue off and went into town to do my shopping. My list was short, just two items. A roll of electrical tape and a self-inflating dinghy. Ask no questions, just read on, it'll all become clear!

I didn't realise how difficult it would be to find a self-inflating dinghy. In my dream I had this dinghy that would self-inflate when it got wet, damn this world! It didn't deter me however, I bought three self-inflating lifejackets with pull strings instead. Then I bought my tape and a ball of string and I was ready.

I donned one of my favourite beards and a flourescent jacket and set to work. I first taped the life jackets in inconspicuous places in a phone box, two either side of the phone and one on the door. I tied together all of the inflating strings and connected them in a pulley system so that when I pulled one string they would all inflate simultaneously. I then stuck the tape along one side of the outside of the box and sat on a bench next to it, waiting for a victim to go inside and use the phone.

After about 40 minutes someone finally went in. I immediately jumped to my feet and ran around the phone box about six or seven times, wrapping more and more tape around it. I think the occupant only realised what was going on my fifth time round. I laughed so much as they pounded the door trying to get out. The horror on their face, it was magic.

When I ran out of tape, I went over to the box where I'd left the string for inflating the lifejackets. I'm telling you, the obscenities that man was screaming at me were quite disgusting and horrific, his face was such a picture though I couldn't help but laugh. Then I pulled the string and *schoom* the jackets inflated and the man was squished against the side of the booth. He cut his head and blood was dripping from a gash in his head.

I fled the scene quickly. I would've liked to have stayed and shook the man's hand but I didn't want any nastiness with the authorities. Such a shame, he looked like a decent bloke.

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