Jeremy Beadle - My Fake Diary

Wednesday, 25 June 2003

I went on a bit of a trip to Morecambe today. I first visited there sixteen years ago - god is it that long! Anyway, I loved the town, full of old vulnerable women just perfect for playing pranks on, and annoying teenage kids who deserve having pranks played on them.

Anyway, whilst I was in Morecambe I decided to watch a film. I'm not a big cinema goer, I just saw the poster outside and I just had to see what the film was about.

I went into the theatre early, I like to see adverts and trailers on the big screen sat in a plush seat, it's makes me feel grand and important in a way. Anyway, as I was sat there I began to get a bit warm so I took off my jacket. It's quite an old jacket I've had for years now and I hadn't worn it in ages, it's made up of small different coloured diamond leather patches sewn together, I really like it, it's got to be worth something, it was expensive when I bought it. Well, as I was taking it off I felt something hard in the pocket. I put my hand in and boy was I surprised by what I found. It was an old smoke bomb. I bought it originally for a friend's dinner party, I had planned to detonate it in the kitchen while everyone was outside to make it appear as though the kitchen was on fire. Sadly the opportunity never arose. . .but the bomb was still live!

As I was there early the place was completely empty save for a couple of lusting teenagers making with the love on the back row. I'm a big fan of young carefree love so I wasn't going to go spoiling their afternoon. I picked a seat close to the centre of the theatre to plant the bomb. This bomb wasn't cheap, it's equipped with a small timer that would allow me to set the bomb to detonate up to 90mins after being set. I set the timer for 55mins and returned to my seat. Adrenaline pumping through my body.

I love the feeling I get when setting up a prank. I get such a rush. I'm sure people must hear the pounding beat of my heart. The cinema started to fill up soon after I returned to my seat. I'd put my back jacket on, I was absolutely boiling, but oh it was worth it.

I missed the film, the whole time I was sat there I kept looking at my watch, then back to the seat, then back to my watch again. Time passed so slowly. I was so anxious for the bomb to go off. I just waited, and waited. Oh boy it was good, better than sex and heroin.

When the time was up smoke began billowing from the seat. Oh boy, the horror on everyone's faces, the panic, the worrying, the screams! "Fire" they cried, trampling over each other, running for the exits. Oh sweet mother of Jesus, it was far better than anything I had imagined.

If only they knew it was me. If only. Oh wonderful.

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