The King of Pop for the PGA, Tiger Woods, announced today he was abdicating his throne as the world's best golfer and most popular human being after being shown polls that his popularity had sunk further than that of Adolph Hitler in 1945.
In a tearful performance, the ripped athlete announced he was stepping aside from the PGA in order to be 'with the woman I love....Rachael Uchitel...my soul mate, my caddy in life, the woman who makes any foursome complete!"
This was only the second abdication of a throne since the Duke of Windsor threw away the title for divorcee Wallis Simpson who was said to have complete sexual dominance over the former king much like Tiger's beloved Rachael.
In structuring his 'retirement', a spokesman for the PGA and several of Tiger's former major sponsors breathed a sigh of relief, as they saw their brands plummet as each of 14 women, ironically the same number of authorized clubs in Tiger's bag, came forward to add another shovel full of titillating gossip to the tabloids.
Tiger won't be leaving empty handed however. He has been granted the honorary title of "Duke of Golf", a title that ensures he will be taken care of for life with annuities provided by the PGA and 3 major sponsors happy to conclude a 'buy out' of what was turning into a nightmare of major proportions.
A number of pretenders to the throne have emerged in just the last week jockeying for position to take over millions in endorsements and gain public recognition for their golfing skills.
At the current time there are 2 Asians, a South Korean, an Australian, a kid from Iowa, and two Senior Tournament Players from the UK in the hunt for the crown. As of press time no one could remember who they were, but the PGA said they would have a press kit available tomorrow for release.
As Duke of Golf, Tiger's duties are said to include making the rounds of late night talk shows, appearing at the opening of shopping malls around the world, and acting as a 'Greeter' at Las Vegas and Dubai Casinos as well as various Native American Indian controlled casinos in the United States.
Donald Trump did not rule out Tiger's appearance on 'The Apprentice' alongside "Octomom", Lindsay Lohan, and Jon from Jon & Kate plus 8.
"Everyone loves a loser," said the walking comb over who made $50m off his show last year showcasing idiots, "and with this line up we should control prime time around the world!"
The King is Dead....long live the Duke!