SAN FRANCISCO - Tigers Woods was in town at The Bull Palace Convention Center to receive the coveted "Athlete of The Decade Award."
He told the assembled crowd that he was thrilled and honored to receive such a prestigious award. He said that he will put it in his Trophy Room, where he keeps his trophy girls. He quickly realized what he had said and he corrected himself by saying that he meant to say trophy awards.
Afterwards he was interviewed by a reporter for the The San Francisco Gazette Journal Jenna Cutpurse.
Ms. Cutpurse asked Tiger how he was holding up. He replied that he was doing good considering the fact that he felt like he had just been hit by about a dozen hurricanes.
He stated that the facial cuts and scratches had all healed and that the golf club bruises have all just about faded away.
He was asked if he had any plans to play some golf. He shook his head and responded that it will probably be months before he even thinks about playing golf.
Tiger told Ms. Cutpurse that he still has nightmares about the #3 iron that his beautiful, gorgeous, best wife that a man could ever hope to have was swinging the morning after Thanksgiving.
He also added that any time he drives by a water hydrant he breaks out in a sweat. When asked what his immediate plans are he just shrugged his shoulders. He then replied, "I guess it pretty much just depends on what all of the money-hungry bitches and their money-grabbing lawyers plan on doing."
Tiger told Cutpurse that he had just signed a deal with The Up Up and Away Viagra Company, makers of the world's most popular Viagra pill. He said that he has agreed to be their spokesman and he will be getting paid $20 million.
He stated that he will be putting every nickel of the $20 million into what he is calling his Petty Putter Fund or PPF, which will go towards hopefully settling some of the lawsuits out of court.
As Ms. Cutpurse was talking to Tiger she received a text message from her editor. He told her that PlayStud Magazine had just named Tiger Woods Stud of The Century.
She gave Tiger the astounding news and he was able to manage a smile. He got a glow in his eyes and asked, "By any chance, does any money come along with the award?"
Jenna Cutpurse said that she felt so sorry for Tiger that she reached in her purse and handed him two twenties.