It has been revealed that Tiger Woods has finally found an outlet for his special talents. The testosterone-laden sportsman will undertake a mercy visit to 39-year-old Santa Fe housewife Joleen Baughman, who was left suffering from chronic sexual desire after a car crash damaged a pelvic nerve.
"What a relief. It's been a complete nightmare" said a heartbroken Joleen. "The slightest movement turns me on - the hum of the vacuum cleaner, the throb of the washing machine. I daren't go out in a high wind. It's incredibly embarrassing. Just the other day I was sitting on a bus when it went over a pothole and I couldn't stop myself from having multiples."
Her doctor told our reporter: "Tiger is the ideal person to help Joleen out with her predicament. She has been diagnosed with Persistent Sexual Arousal syndrome, while Tiger was convicted of unauthorised use of a deadly weapon in a built-up area."
Ever since waitress Grubbee James first came forward with her sordid allegations, the beleaguered sportsman's business empire has been crashing round his ears as sponsors desert him in droves. Unlike Tiger, they're all racing to pull out. His media handlers have decided that therapeutic charity work is the ideal way for Tiger to rehabilitate his image. The latest mistress to come forward, 48-year-old Theresa Rodgers, has confirmed that Tiger has been booked by a team of octogenarian Calendar Girls for their Christmas bash.