Secretary of State Tim Geithner announced more bad news for the sagging U.S. economy as he announced Tiger Woods' wife, Elin, was moving back to Sweden and taking 25% of the nation's Gross National Product with her!
The now independently wealthy estranged wife of Golf's former super star, Tiger Woods, was caught on TV recently pawning her wedding rings at a local Orlando Pawn Shop for some additional 'walking around money' according to an employee at "Broken Hearts, Broken Dreams" Pawnorama.
Woods, who spent 33 years climbing to the top of his profession as the world's greatest golfer, spiraled out of control and blew himself up after a shocking series of sordid affairs linked him to at least 14 white women who as one all claimed to the world's tabloids "Once you've tried black, you never go back...and the money wasn't bad neither!"
Insiders say that Tiger, now considered a shooting star, is all but finished. According to one noted journalist publishing under the bi-line Queen Mudder, he is seriously considering converting to the Muslim faith as his only salvation.
Woods' spiritual adviser said Muslims will certainly forgive rampant, tasteless shagging after having publicly 'blown himself up' for the sake of 'the cause' and being responsible for untold collateral damage amongst infidels.
Reports are leaking that legal counsel for Woods are presently negotiating the '71 virgin thing', and indicated that Tiger is not a 'teaching professional' and prefers his virgins 'with a tad more experience and a few tricks up their sleeves."
A Madison Avenue advertising firm is hinting that they have signed the photogenic Mrs. Woods to be the new spokesman for the WPGA (Women's Professional Golf Association), a fantastic boost for the women's tour, as well as to come out in support of Lesbian Athletes under the catchy marketing phrase "I TOLD YOU SO" showing a male model in a hot tub with 14 blonde escorts.