In an announcement from Rome this morning, Pope Benedict announced that he has canonized Michael Jackson. Saint Jacko, as he shall be commonly known, shall be the patron saint of pedophiles (also spelled paedophiles) and Catholic priests.
Additionally, he announced that Jackson ranks above the Virgin Mary in the order of Heaven.
The announcement occured at the end of the internationally televised Jackson funeral and memorial services in California. At those services, the Reverend Al Sharpton announced the three miracles performed by Michael (necessary for canonization):
- Michael was responsible for the ending of the Civil War due to his moonwalking across the battlefields of Appomatox Courthouse.
- Michael was responsible for the civil rights movement for his protests in Selma, "I Have A Dream" Speech, and single handedly passing the Civil Rights Act.
- Michael fooled just over half of the voting electorate in the United States into electing Barack Obama as President.
Sharpton also mentioned that Jackson died for your sins on a cross at Neverland Ranch.