Sea Captain tries escaping Somali Pirates in protest over his home state of Virginia legalizing same-sex marriages

Funny story written by Robert W. Armijo

Friday, 10 April 2009


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image for Sea Captain tries escaping Somali Pirates in protest over his home state of Virginia legalizing same-sex marriages
Somali Pirates take control of the Indian Ocean.

International Waters - When an American sea captain (who, like so many, is currently being held by Somali Pirates) learned by radio that his home state of Virginia passed a law legalizing same-sex marriages, he immediately jumped out of the lifeboat in an attempt to drown himself, his captors have claimed. Fortunately they were able to convince him to get back on board by threatening to shoot him.

"If you don't give us what we want, next time, we won't stop him," threatens the leader of the Somali Pirates to US Naval Officers in his regular radio broadcast to them from the lifeboat adrift off the cost of Somali.

Reportedly, the Captain became distraught, overcome with emotions at the news and attempted to take his own life because he feared one of his preferred duties of marrying couples at sea was being usurped by the state.

"Presiding over same-sex marriages in international waters is one of the most coveted of duties our sea captain loves to perform," said Ian Brown, a crewmen of the recently retaken vessel. "He married my shipmate, Harold, and me without question, prejudging our lifestyle or that of the all-Gay crew aboard our ship, 'The Raging Queen."

In fact, Mr. Brown and his mate, Harold, were in the middle of exchanging their wedding vows when the Somali Pirates boarded their ship unopposed.

"We all thought it was a wedding gift from our Captain, like a 'Strip-O-Gram' or something. So we let the Somali Pirates takeover the ship, handcuffing us and everything," said Mr. Brown, as he pulled out a hand held radio from his knapsack to tune into the pirate chatter. "They had most of us bound and gagged below decks before we realized we were dealing with real pirates. And not simply fellow crewmembers that took the role-playing a little too far."

Mr. Brown first realized something was wrong when the Somali Pirate that had him handcuffed did not respond to the safety word "Pineapple" and gagged him instead.

"Fortunately, my shipmates have undergone extensive training in being bound and gagged during our 'drills' on the high seas," said Mr. Brown, explaining how he and his fellow crewmembers escaped as he fine tuned the receiver on his radio, picking up a broadcast from the pirates.

Mr. Brown believes that his Captain was unaware that he was surrendering to real Somali Pirates and not simply fellow crewmembers of the 'Raging Queen' in disguise. With tears running down his face, Mr. Brown turns the volume knob on his held hand radio down until the pleas of his Captain are barely audible.

"I can't take hearing him like that," says Mr. Brown, wiping away the tears. "I can't stand hearing him call out: 'Pineapple! Pineapple! Pineapple!' over and over again."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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