"Pirates of the Caribbean" Take Hostages

Written by Ed E. Druckman

Friday, 10 April 2009

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(Anaheim-CA) The happiest place on earth, proved it's not immune to ships being taken by real pirates. Thursday, taking a cue from Somali pirates who boarded the United State flagged ship "Maersk Alabama", employees dressed as pirates seized a boat in the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride. The siege is now going into its second day and shows no signs of ending, though there is some doubt as to when the actual siege took place.

Taffy Fitzmaurice, a pirate who is part of the nightly Main Street light show and works at The Blue Bayou restaurant, explained by a FBI hostage negotiator. "We actually boarded this boat a week and a half before the latest Somali pirate capture. But for the first six days everyone thought it was part of the ride." When asked by reporters when the notion that it wasn't part of the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride happened, Fitzmaurice continued. "I'd like to say it's when I put a musket up to a smart-ass tween's head, who wanted to know if she'd been Punk'd and then asked for Ashton Kutcher's autograph. But my mistake was taking the musket from one of the animatronic pirates. Finally, I just said 'We're real pirates, no really. We are, like in Somali.' It was the Somali part that sold it."

Why are they employees commandeering the ship? "The recession has been going on for a year, said Goofy understudy pirate Nevins Baker, "unless you're an employee. Then it's just called a salary." Baker maintains, "I am a Julliard Acting Masters graduate. I've done Chekov, Ionesco, and what do they give me, an understudy Goofy? They know I can do Pluto. And why did they do that, because I uttered the word "SAG". This isn't the happiest place on Earth if you work here. I'm the Goofy go-to, plus I'm part of the light show AND I'm expected to be part of the cleaning crew for the "Swiss Family Treehouse". Is this the company gulag?"

Fellow pirate and The Blue Bayou wait staff member to Fitzmaurice, Clay Rosen even intimated psychological torture. "Do you know what it's like to hear "(Yo Ho) A Pirate's Life for Me" looped for a 12 hour shift? This is nothing short of mind control. By the end of my day, I think I am a pirate. Yo-ho-ho, now you pay, matey." Rosen then brandished a flintlock. However, the menacing effect was somewhat lost when a large red flag with the word "Bang!" written on it popped out after he pulled the trigger. Rosen then began to weep the words of "(Yo Ho) A Pirate's Life For Me".

For now, it seems the Navy will not be called in for this pirate takeover. They will wait it out. According to spokesperson Donna Conner, "The "captured" don't seem to mind because we're giving them vouchers to The Blue Bayou restaurant, and we've told them they've been chosen from thousands as a focus group for this new aspect of the ride."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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