Written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 10 April 2009

image for The Somali Pirates Issue Their Demands
The American aircraft carrier, The USS Enterprise heading towards Somalia.

MOGADISHU, Somalia - The Somali pirates led by their leader, who goes by the name of Captain X, have stated what their demands are.

They have said that they will release Captain Richard Phillips in exchange for two 2009 Lamborghini's, one 2009 Rolls Royce, one 2009 Porsche, and $3.7 billion in unmarked twenties.

Captain X has stated that considering the fact that the filthy rich United States will be paying the ransom, it is really not that unreasonable of a demand.

When President Obama was asked to comment on the situation he replied that Captain X had better realize one thing and that is that he is not dealing with Costa Rica, or Greenland, or Switzerland.

The president remarked that, that X fella had better wake up and get his head out of his 'aspirin bottle' because he is getting mighty close to getting his buccaneer butt splattered all over the Indian Ocean.

President Obama has already dispatched The USS Bainbridge to confront the pirates aboard the container ship The Maersk Alabama.

The president has been in close contact with Rear Admiral Vernon Chance Starkweather, Jr., the American naval commander who is on board the aircraft carrier, The USS Enterprise.

The USS Enterprise is leading the American naval convoy that is steaming toward the Somalian coast. The convoy also includes two other powerful aircraft carriers, The USS Clint Eastwood, and The USS Paul Bunyan.

Alongside the big three aircraft carriers are the battleships, The USS Georgia Peach, The USS Delaware Punch, and The USS Kansas Tornado.

Rear Admiral Starkweather issued a stern directive message to the leader of the Somali pirates, Captain X.:

Captain X, this is Rear Admiral Vernon Chance Starkweather, Jr. commander of the United States naval fleet off the coast of Somalia. I implore you to release Captain Richard Phillips as soon as possible. I promise you that you are not going to recieve your outlandish ransom request of two '09 Lamborghini's, one '09 Rolls Royce, one '09 Porsche, and $3.7 billion in unmarked twenties.

And in order to make it a little bit more abundantly clear for you, let me put it this way. You have a better chance of having sexual relations with Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Carmen Electra, Pamela Anderson, and Heidi Klum all in the same day than you do of recieving the ransom that you are demanding from the United States.

So, in closing, let me say that we already have you in our cross-hairs. And to quote American boxer Mike Tyson, 'you can run, but you can't hide.' So Captain X, be a good little (smart) pirate boy and release Captain Phillips at once or else face the consequences.

And the consequences, if you chose not to release Captain Phillips, are that when the United States navy gets through with you, parts of you (Captain X) will end up in the Maldives, Sri Lanka, India, Argentina, and Des Moines, Iowa.

In related news. A close friend of Captain X told CBS's Katie Couric that X is not afraid because he is wearing a bullet-proof vest, a bullet-proof baseball cap, and a bullet-proof cup.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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