Munich, Germany / Financial News - Swiss gigolo Helg Sgarbi,44, recently sentenced to 6 years in prison for extortion involving a rich german heiress, claims he got even more than the L8.5 from her, by allegedly extorting some of American's most high profile female politicians.
A smug Sgarbi, who is going to serve the full 6 years of his sentence since he would not reveal the disposition of the funds he got , claiming "I more than earned it servicing those cows," said he is looking forward to early release based on good behavior, and the intervention of the female warden that has befriended him in Germany's facility for non-violet felons.
During an extended interview granted to The Spoof.com, the puffed up gigolo allowed how he was able to read women, "like a book. The more rich and powerful they are, the more they crave attention and worship," he said smugly.
Ever verbose, and unrepentant, the cheesy lover, who claimed to be a Swiss Diplomat charged with dealing with Black Ops and dangerous international missions, was also able to meet some of America's most high profile women, allegedly including current Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, as well as US Mortgage Queen Barney Frank, at Diplomatic Functions to which he wrangled invitations.
"Most of these women, while enjoying massive power and recognition from their positions, have long since entered into a loveless marriage or relationship with their partners, " said Dr. Helg, "it's easy to appeal to their vanity, read a few lines of poetry, blow in their ear, and voila, the next thing you know their panty girdle is lying on the floor of the penthouse room of an international 5* hotel! They just can't seem to get enough of themselves being worshipped!"
Sgarbi said he subjected himself to a vigorous health regimen to keep up his physical condition, including a vitamin enriched diet, extensive workouts, and painful penis enlargement exercises promoted by Bargis Tryhol, the man with the world's largest Penis.
Sqarbi coyly intimates his windfall from his American conquests dwarf that from his European exploits. " Ya...six years is nothing for what I am going to have when I get out," and went on to explain the rudiments of blackmail payments disguised as earmarks in the recent TARP and Stimulus Bills passed through a dysfunctional Congress suffering from Attention Deficient Syndrome.
Helg was almost gleeful in describing his windfalls. "It was like taking candy from a baby...they just slipped in a few lines and voila, Dr. Helg receives millions in his privately guarded Swiss accounts. You Americans have already proved you don't care where your money goes, and it was easy to rationalize that those payments to me, were really part of a "STIMULUS PACKAGE! My God, "he continued, " if I could only tell you what I had to do for the money!"
Insiders now say there is a quiet intervention being undertaken by the State Department to grant a secret commutation for the convicted extortionist, in exchange for his future silence on any matters dealing with "Home Land Security under the guise of the "National Secrets Acts" rushed through Congress as an Earmark on the recent spending bill.
Helg says plans to appear on Oprah are on hold until he finds out the results of the Diplomatic effort on his behalf, although he said he was getting all the sex he needed in jail, and was more than happy to sit out the next six years writing his memoirs. Helg smiled as he added, " And of course the limited first edition will be illustrated!"
