Clown Prostitutes offer Comic Relief

Funny story written by Roy Turse

Sunday, 8 March 2009


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Red Nose Day is upon us once more here in the UK, and up and down the country people have been getting up to all sorts of whacky activities with the aim of raising money for the Comic Relief charity.

In London's King's Cross area, prostitutes that cater to the niche sexual preferences of coulrophiles have decided to do their bit. Coulrophiles are people with a sexual attraction to clowns, and there is a small but active section of the sex services industry dedicated to them. Who better to help Comic Relief than women who dress as clowns and charge for perverted sex?

We spoke to Brian Mallet, the manager of CPS, the Clown Prostitution Service (motto: Satisfaction's Jester Phone Call Away), about what his workers would be doing for the charity. Mr Mallet, who prefers to be called RingMaster Ronald, told us that twenty percent of his profits from this week would be sent to Comic Relief, and that several events had been organised, including pratfalls into a bath of baked beans and a sponsored stick slap.

He said they were also auctioning an all-expenses-paid session with some of his girls. "The evening will start with the winner being whisked off in a limousine. When they get to a top London hotel, hundreds of clowns will exit the car just before all the doors fall off." He said the evening was likely to end with the lucky winner waking up covered in custard and glittery paper squares.

Asked if male clowns could also participate, RingMaster Ronald said that some had offered to choke their rubber chickens for charity. But he insisted that the best way we could all contribute was to make extra use of the Clown Prostitution Service. "What better way is there to get comic relief than by being ridiculed in bed by a woman with a squirty flower and size 34 shoes?" he asked.

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The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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