UK Crisis - Queen Broadcasts to the Nation

Funny story written by Shaun Ferguson

Sunday, 16 December 2007

image for UK Crisis - Queen Broadcasts to the Nation
Gordon Brown is held under house arrest

London, England (AR) As Big Ben struck 9 PM on the first night of curfew the streets of London were eerily quiet, but most Londoners were anyway glued to their televisions for Her Royal Highness the Queen's official announcement, the full text of which was as follows:

"Good evening. Since my accession to the throne my husband and I have kept close liaison with our subjects, always endeavouring to act in their best possible interests. That is why we have taken the unprecedented step of relieving the Prime Minister Gordon Brown of his duties.

There has been natural concern amongst us since New Labour were elected and former Prime Minister Tony Blair appointed a large number of naïve and inexperienced people into positions of Government seniority. This concern was heightened when he re-created a Greater London Authority which immediately fell into the grubby hands of Ken Livingstone, who's career we thought had been ended by our dear friend, Margaret Thatcher. Hello if you are watching.

Concern turned to alarm when Blair collaborated with President Bush in upsetting the delicate disposition of the Middle East by creating a disastrous power vacuum in Iraq, which he did under the guise of weapons of mass destruction instead of the more acceptable ploy of snatching Hussein's oil revenue.

We were further displeased when the Premiership was handed to Gordon Brown under some old pal's act, without any demonstrable democratic process. Brown was already in our sights when he stole billions of pounds from your pensions and we never considered him to have the X-Factor of an international statesman.

Brown' s short term of office has brought utter chaos with such tomfoolery as the Home Information Pack, raising capital gains tax and introducing still more legislative red tape for no better reason than allowing his junior Ministers their fix of media attention.

Matters reached a crisis in the past few weeks. After announcing the containment of the latest bout of foot and mouth he went on to trample the disease all over Hyde Park for the sake of a couple of hasty photo shoots, then lost everyone's personal banking information on a couple of silly CD's which somehow got distributed on iTunes before being flogged on eBay for £1 a copy.

He has enabled untold numbers of illegal immigrants to obtain high profile security jobs and thrown millions away in benefits to un-entitled recipients.

He managed to cause the first run on a British Bank for 140 years and topped that off with frittering away the last scrap of our National independence by signing the European Treaty.

His already irritable St. Vitus Dance with the lower jaw unfortunately grew to full blown Tourettes with repeated outbursts of long historic rhetoric about a growing economy and low inflation.

With opinion polls showing a Conservative lead of 99% Brown completely lost the plot, sacked the entire Cabinet, changed his title to Reich Fuhrer and barricaded himself in the Houses of Parliament, appearing on television in a nurses outfit.

I listened fervently to complaints from our military chiefs about the casualness with which our troops abroad have been equipped and the final straw came with the call for the Government's resignation at last week's police strike, when our country was sacked by looters.

I have therefore instructed my army to assume temporary military rule until a new General Election can be called.

Gordon Brown is meanwhile being held under house arrest in the Tower of London."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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