Putin gave Steven Seagal an award for being a nice guy. Putin needs more ex-celebrities from America to show America “see … I’ve got one of yours! I’m going Hollywood!”
What Putin doesn’t understand is that no one cares about Seagal anymore because this isn’t the 1990s and action stars are dead. They got old. And dyed their hair black to pretend their bellies aren’t as fat as they appear – the TV camera adds 50 pounds, after all.
Is Steve Seagal melting? Will his hair dye melt like that of Rudy Giuliani? Will he roll over onto one of his Russian hookers and crush her? Will he ever be able to return to America and not be arrested by the CIA and forced to tell all he knows about where Edward Snowden is and what’s Vlad’s PIN number?
If having a Russian passport ironically prevents Seagal from travelling the world, will he need more or less Putin to survive in the KGB country? And what if Putin dies? Will Steven still get invited to all the “vodka and rape” parties?
Poor little Steven … relying on a dictator to justify your existence … just like Goering.
