Instructions for All Chinese Cops

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Sunday, 27 November 2022

image for Instructions for All Chinese Cops
Turn those Cameras OFF! The Cops are trying to do their jobs killing people!

Okay, people (sorry, police, there’s a difference) this is the Head of the Police Force in China. Listen up – or die!

When people are recording your violence against the people, make sure to smash their cell phones. And then get a bunch of well-brainwashed Chinese government officials to go onto Twitter and make lots of pretty pictures and videos of how fast Chinese trains are and how pretty their trees and how lovely their Buddhist temples (even though they raped Tibet and are still torturing anyone with a religion or a philosophy that says Mao was a shithead and so is Xi).

Keep your hazmat suits on and your masks lifted over your noses. No, it doesn’t help you when you’re beating people and kicking them when they’re on the ground – it just separates you from the mob, making you look scientific and righteous, and them the unholy unwashed masses.

When the people of Shanghai don’t like being starved and locked up so they kill themselves, don’t film that and make sure you smash all cameras that are filming. China, like every country, needs to “look good” on the world stage. This is why Justin Trudeau violated his people’s right to protest, because they made him look bad. And why Xi told Justin to shut up, and Justin said a few pert phrases since a camera was filming, instead of saying, “Yes, my master”.

This is why Xi says he has conquered Hong Kong, which means he’s killed those who exercise their freedom of speech and kept the ones who kissed his ass. Tiananmen Square may run red with the blood of the billion-plus Chinese people … but that’s just standard Chinese politics, and our time to shine!

It’s fun to beat people, lock them up, freeze their money, demonize them as a fringe or decadent or fascist – when it’s really the politicians who are those things, but it’s right and good to accuse your enemies or the things you yourself are guilty of.

So beat the fuckers down! But don’t show it on camera, ‘cuz – oh look at the pretty trees! Such marvels of Chinese ingenuity – when a country NEEDS to tell you how good it is, it ain’t.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more