He’s already got several body doubles and rumour has it that the British SAS are gunning for him. But the Butcher of Kyiv, Vlad, also known as “the Poisoner”, Putin, has resorted to extreme measures to dodge an assassin’s bullet.
The one-time winner of Moscow’s ugliest child contest has donned a disguise. He’s now sporting a short moustache, straight black hair and a hydraulic spring under his right armpit, because you never know when you might need to extend you arm quickly in self-defence. Particularly with all those nasty Brits looking for you and hefting XM556 rotary machine guns.
Not surprisingly, Putin took a rain check for this year’s COP20 summit in Egypt, instead sending his suka Sergei Lavrov, who is rumoured to be wearing a suit stitched out of Kevlar. And not the cheap crap they give Russian soldiers on the battlefield.
Putin apparently considered getting a white cat to round off the disguise and look like the perfect animal-lover, but decided against it, since that would guarantee he’d meet his end from a British spy. So now he’s just plain Mr Vladimir, sporting next summer's man about Moscow look and a completely innocent moustache.
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky isn't impressed and commented sardonically, “He’s got the face of Ollie Hardy and the physique of Stan Laurel, but he isn’t making anyone laugh.”
