U.S. Must Now Kow-Tow To Red China's Chinatown Demand

Funny story written by rfreed

Saturday, 3 September 2022

image for U.S. Must Now Kow-Tow To Red China's Chinatown Demand

Mainland China has demanded that Americans not enter San Francisco's Chinatown as they have claimed that it is politically a part of China. A spokesman for the government of Xi Jinping has warned that because it is populated with people of Chinese descent and as its name is ‘Chinatown’ it can be considered under the dominion of the People’s Republic of China. 

Chinese warships have entered San Francisco Bay and taken up positions near to the lower downtown area. Warplanes from a couple of Chinese aircraft carriers at sea near the Golden Gate Bridge have been buzzing the metropolitan area regularly. The assistant to Xi Jinping, Mr. Arro Gant, has declared that historically San Francisco's Chinatown is a distant province of China and legally should be under their dominion. “To not do so”, stated Spokesman Arro Gant “would release horrible consequences”, grinning evilly. 

Feelings among native San Francisoans have been mixed. “I never go down there anyway. All they have is a bunch of unintelligible writings on their signs and their groceries are full of weird stuff and smelly, funny looking fish.” stated Benjamin North, a security guard at the Embarcadero. “I feel really sad about Chinatown being taken over, but can do nothing!” said Misaou Chiao. “I do not like, but I Malaysian!” he said, smiling in a big way. “Buncha dirty gooks!” stated Bill Gorsobe, an ex-marine who had fought in  Vietnam. “They’s all over the place in Asia. Should send ‘em back where they’s belongs!”  

“We have the right to take Chinatown!” shouted Bao Beshay, a third generation Chinese American citizen who is strongly nationalistic. “We are Chinese first and American second. With this takeover we will be Chinese through and through. Chinese live here, we want to be under Mainland China’s flag.” When asked if he no longer wanted to be an American he said somewhat not so boisterously- “I just want to be American enough to get college scholarships and welfare; other than that NO!”

Red Chinese soldiers have appeared on the outskirts of Chinatown spreading barbed wire around the perimeter. Some violence has occurred as they have intentionally also sealed off some of the better stores and neighborhoods around Chinatown which seem lucrative or easy to take over. Emmet Sandly said that they surrounded his street cart because no one else in the area made such good reuben sandwiches. He stated that he wasn’t crazy about being under the dominion of the Republic of China unless they really bought a lot of his foods. A Victoria’s Secret Store just outside Chinatown has also been sealed off and, strangely, the soldiers themselves were trying on the scanty clothing when their superiors were not looking. A liquor store, porn shop and all night grocery have also mysteriously been fenced off as well, although they are outside the Chinatown district. A couple night prostitutes have also complained about being surrounded by barbed wire on their regular corners by maliciously smiling Red Guards.

Fear is spreading in other cities with Chinatowns. Los Angeles, Portland, San Diego and Seattle are all worried that the same may happen there.  “You can be sure it will!” stated the Chinese Ambassador in San Francisco with a cruel grin lighting his other wise inscrutable features.

San Francisco authorities are muddled about what to do and have asked Taiwan for suggestions on what to do. “Evacuate to Vancouver!” was their reply.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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